Raising Men, Not Boys: Chores

Disclosure

I often remind my boys (and myself) that I am raising men, not boys. I have asked them what kind of men they want to grow into and they tell me they want to be hard working and Godly.

I admit to leading their answers a bit there.

But this basically gives me permission to train them in such a way so they can become the men that they, and I, desire them to be.

We talk about what God desires from them: kindness, selflessness, helpfulness, the ability to protect and provide for a family. They want to be good fathers who listen to and play with their kids.

Tip: if they say they want to grow into men who sit on the couch and play video games all day, ask them how they plan to pay for that house and couch and video games. They will need to have some marketable skills in order to pay for living expenses and lifestyle so you can use that as a jumping off point. Even if they don’t want responsibilities, there will always be a minimal amount required just to get by.

I remind them of these goals of theirs when they don’t want to help out in the house. We talk about how the home is a place for teamwork and that we need to take care of the blessings God has provided us but we also discuss regularly about how the home is the training ground for learning how to become hardworking and Godly. If they can’t learn to accomplish a household task well and consistently, they will not be able to accomplish an out of home work task well and consistently. The place to learn how to follow directions is at home so when they get a job they will be able to follow the direction of their boss to do their job well.

If they learn to do slack off on a job in the home, under the care of a mother whom they love and home they should take pride in, how much more likely will it be that they carry that attitude into the workplace in the future?

We also have the added bonus of farm chores. As a full time dairy farm, there is always work to be done. Cows need to be fed several times a day, stalls scraped, equipment maintained and repaired. We have a lot of moving machinery and vehicles in and out of the yard daily. Unlike the old homestead days, our farmyard is not a safe place for children to play. It is an active worksite so we have strict safety rules surrounding it. The biggest one being that the kids play on the lawn or in the house. Barns and heavy equipment are not playgrounds and jungle gyms.

This means that barn chores are something that are a sign of responsibility and maturity. Because the feed needs to be pushed up every day, even when you don’t feel like it, you need to prove that you can be committed to your home care tasks before we can trust you with a barn task. You need to show Mom you can be consistent and thorough before you can get permission to add a barn chore to your rotation.

Yes, you read that right: barn chores are a reward and privilege.

Most people reading this will not have barn chores but I’m sure you can think of some household tasks that require more skill and trust to accomplish. We naturally give older kids higher skill level tasks as they prove their abilities. Many websites have great lists of age appropriate tasks that you can “graduate” your children to as they prove capable and willing.

[bctt tweet=”Even Jesus believed if He could trust someone with little, they would be given little but if He can trust someone with more, more will be given.”]

I think of the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30. Even Jesus believed if He could trust someone with little, they would be given little but if He can trust someone with more, more will be given. I apply this mentality to the boys’ upbringing and want them to become trustworthy with the small tasks so, when they grow, God will be able to use them for great things.

Caveat: They still fight me about chores on many days. They don’t get that from a stranger as I fight myself on my chores many days too. On those days, I try to go back to reviewing motivations and lots of prayer. And some days we just say “the house looks reasonable so let’s take a day off.”

If you want to read some more on this topic. Kim from Not Consumed has a great post with 5 Easy Steps for Teaching Responsibility to Your Kids.

Have you ever looked at chores as a privilege rather than just a responsibility or a nuisance? How do you think that mindset change could affect your children?

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Newborn Survival Phase: 4 Things Large Family Moms Know

by Tessa | Motherhood

Newborn Survival Phase: 4 Things Large Family Moms Know

Disclosure

We are expecting our fifth child.

This means we have been through the newborn survival phase 4 times and have chosen to enter it again.

My body goes through nausea, weight gain, and incredible expansion.

Nights are spent nursing and comforting a baby instead of sleeping or cuddling with my husband.

Days are filled with diapers and rocking.

4 Things Large Family Moms Know about the newborn survival phase of motherhood

Newborns throw off any semblance of routine developed for my family. They push self care to the back burner for a time as even something as simple going to the bathroom or taking a shower requires a whole lot of organization and perfect timing.

Everything gets reset to accommodate this new little person and his or her needs.

I understand that many people don’t want to go through this phase again and the love the “freedom” of closing the door to their baby bearing years. I understand that some babies require so much more care than others and the thought of going through another newborn survival phase sends shivers of dread up your spine. I have been there and understand completely.

And yet…

My body, just like yours, is designed to bear babies. Our bodies are designed for interrupted sleep. They are designed to blow up and share its nutrients with a growing little being. Our families are designed to have their routines turned upside down to accommodate someone with less capability to adapt than them.

The newborn survival phase is normal.

While a baby is designed to be in this phase temporarily, our bodies are designed to be in it for a few decades. Why would God design women that way without also equipping them and their families to go through it multiple times?

The newborn survival phase is normal.

While a baby is designed to be in this phase temporarily, our bodies are designed to be in it for a few decades. Why would God design women that way without also equipping them and their families to go through it multiple times?

I started reading large family blogs early on in my mothering journey. I figured if anyone has the mothering-homemaking juggle figured out it’s them, right? Now while these women are so humble and would never admit to having it all figured out, there are certain things I’ve picked up on that they DO understand:

1. Having kids is normal. People have been doing it since the beginning of time and it doesn’t take a special person to be a mom of many.

2. The cyclical nature of the women’s body during child bearing years is normal. It is, rather, abnormal to choose to stop this process within our bodies. (Please note I say this without judgement for whatever choice women make in this regard. I’m speaking specifically from a physical and scientific standpoint here.)

3. Every baby is a welcome blessing into the family. The rest of the children pick up on the wonder of a new sibling and often take the opportunity to prove their “biggness” by helping out more, whether that be with sib-care, home care, or just being more empathetic to the fact that mama and baby need a little more patience and TLC. Children in larger families learn to give of themselves out of necessity.

4. The housekeeping will wait. The kids will be fed. Everything does fall into place, albeit not perfectly or immediately. But you do find new rhythms or work back into old ones. The world does not fall apart with a new baby.

When I was pregnant with our first, I had several moms of 4 or more tell me that the first one rocks your world, the 2nd explodes it, the third feels like you’re truly outnumbered and the 4th just glides into place. Anything above 4 you barely notice.

While I have seen examples close to me that have had fairly different experiences (like the mom of two 2 and under who found herself pregnant with twins, or the mom who discovered a child had special needs only to be expecting another right as they adjust to the diagnosis) but it holds pretty true with the vast majority of people I speak with.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive enough to believe this 5th baby will truly slip in unnoticed. I have had 2 high needs babies (one of whom could scream at decibel levels I have never yet heard another child reach). I have friends who had major complications with and after birth, or those who’s precious babies have life altering medical diagnosis. I have even watched several friends suffer the loss of their child.

But I trust that, in spite of all the variables, God will sustain me through another newborn survival phase and anything that comes from it. I welcome the “reset” so that not only am I humbled again by the awe of a new little creation, but now I have even more children to share in the admiration (and care).

So as I wait for this newest little one to arrive, why don’t you pop on over to something I wrote way back in 2009, when my not 11yo was only 1.5 to learn why Commitment to a Newborn is Worth It. You’ll also want to follow me on Twitter or Instagram and plug in your email below because that’s where you’ll first hear about the BIG NEWS when he or she makes his or her appearance and I begin sharing our (planned) home water birth details.

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3 Steps for How to Deal With Anxiety That You Can Do Right Now

by Tessa | Personal Development

3 Steps for How to Deal With Anxiety That You Can Do Right Now

Disclosure

Last night I lay awake for an hour working through some anxiety and attempting to prevent a panic attack.

My husband lay on one side of me and my toddler lay on the other, with his soft, pudgy arms wrapped securely around my neck. I listened to their steady breathing and worked to control my own.

It used to be completely random but, at this point, it often starts with some physical symptoms that are similar to the evening when I collapsed.

One day I’ll share the full story and how it affected my day-to-day life but the short of it is that I was picking up take-out when I was 8 months pregnant with my now 2.5yo and fainted (to put it mildly). I ended up waking up 45 minutes later in an ambulance that took me for a 2 day hospital stay. In spite of lots of tests, they never could figure out why it happened. I had several near-fainting episodes over the next years but they have gradually become further apart. The most recent episode was about 8 months ago.

So last night I lay in bed wondering if it was happening again. I’m at the same point in my pregnancy so the trauma of that event has been on my radar regularly which means I’m watching extra closely for symptoms similar to that first event. I have had a few busy and stressful weeks so I have been more fatigued than usual and not watching my diet as closely.

I feel as though, if it were to happen again, I would be powerless to stop it. What a hard concept to wrap my head around! I have no choice but to plan for the possibility as well as I can and leave the rest in God’s hands.

And yet I become anxious.

I feel as though, if it were to happen again, I would be powerless to stop it. What a hard concept to wrap my head around! I have no choice but to plan for the possibility as well as I can and leave the rest in God’s hands.

And yet I become anxious.

Back to last night, I listened to my loved ones’ steady breathing. I let my husband know I was going downstairs to the bathroom, both so he would know he was on toddler cuddle duty for a bit and so he could wait for my return (and check on me if I took too long). I ate something (for the record: cheese strings are a handy midnight snack). I laid back down and my mind went to that fateful February night.

I managed to catch up to my runaway memories to stop and redirect them.

I reminded myself of my emergency plan and how it would play out.

Then I started thanking the Lord for my blessings.

With one arm wrapped around my toddler and one hand on my husband, I prayed over them. Then I went through each of my boys in the other room and pictured myself putting my hand on them to pray over them. (I learned recently that the physical act of touching something during a moment of panic or anxiety is called “grounding” and helps keep me connected to reality rather than drifting off into mental lala land.)

Last night I barely made it through praying over my own family before falling back to sleep but other nights I have moved on to friends, extended family, community, government etc. A Mama friend from a long time ago had a little one who had her nights and days backwards and my friend decided that, if she was going to be awake alone all night, she might as well do something productive so she prayed all night with her newborn in her arms. I have never forgotten her idea and have applied it often over many years of insomnia.

Free Printable Habit Tracker and Workbook

Free Habit Tracker and Workbook Download

Anxiety and panic disorders suck. I have been dealing with mental health issues (depression and mild anxiety) since I was a teen but I never really understood how severe the physical symptoms of a panic disorder can be until a few years ago. It can be so much more that a racing heart and sweaty palms. It can feel like a heart attack!

To those who deal with them regularly: I feel for you. I now understand. I hope you find help and I pray you find hope in trusting the Lord. He may give you a miraculous cure or He may be a safe place to rest your mind. Because it is so difficult and scary to deal with.

In the meantime, I work through my 3 steps for how to deal with anxiety:

Acknowledge the issue and make a simple plan if the worst case happens (Ex. For my this meant unlocking my phone so my kids, or a stranger if it happened in public, can call my husband. I also programmed my phone to text my husband if I hit the power button three quick times and he gets an “SOS” message and knows to call me to make sure I’m okay. My kids also know to roll my off my belly (aka. the baby) if needed and elevate my feet and all their dad or my mom).

Ground myself by physically touching or anchoring myself to something (Ex. I touch a person, a wall, a coffee mug, or sometimes even just laying on the floor and focusing on the feel of my palm on the cold laminate.)

Focus on taking deep breaths to calm my heart while counting my blessings, through prayer or through a simple bullet point list.

While I largely found some ways to cope on my own, I wish I had gotten professional help sooner (I only started seeing someone a couple months ago as my pregnancy has increased my anxiety). Only time will tell whether I’ll end up in the hospital again during this pregnancy and trusting God’s path for that still has it’s hard moments. All I can do right now is take it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.

Disclaimer: Please keep in mind that I’m not a trained therapist and I do think it can be really beneficial to talk to a professional about your particular situation, which will probably look very different than mine. Everyone has different triggers and a different level of severity and it’s just amazing to have someone to talk to who can walk you through some coping mechanisms.

I share bits of my journey every week praying that it encourages you and helps you feel like there is Hope and that you’re not alone. Sign up for my weekly updates below to make sure you don’t miss a post and, as a bonus, I’ll send you a free printable Habit Workbook that walks you through a few simple steps to help you bring more peace and positive direction in your life.

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Self Care Series Step 3: Mind

by Tessa | Personal Development

Self Care Series Step 3: Mind

Disclosure

Today’s post is the last post in my self care or depression lifestyle protocol series. If you haven’t read them, you can find the first two parts of there series here: Self Care Step 1: Spiritual and Self Care Step 2: Body. Since I have started my routines and habits to care for my spirit and my body, I slowly start to work in self care for my mind.

A peaceful room leads to a peaceful mind

One of the major things that I do to care for myself mentally include having a “mom safe” zone in the house. We live with 6 (almost 7) of us all day, every day, in about 1300sq ft, much less if you factor in that we don’t have toys in bedrooms. This means every inch of our house is used to the fullest capacity. As the kids are getting older they require different levels of toys and entertainment (such as keeping Lego and microscopes away from babies) and, for a long time, I prioritized them and their needs. Once I recognized that I needed even just a small area to control, I started setting some boundaries.

One is that the living room floor should be tidied every evening. The kids have a play zone on the other side of the kitchen but, as is natural, toys manage to drift into the living room. I also keep toddler toys and books in the living room so littler ones are less likely to destroy Lego creations that have been left out. Add in the storage bench full of blankets and pillows and the dining chairs nearby and the living room gets turned into war bunkers or castle forts or 2 story “houses” complete with a Tonka truck garage. And did I mention the boots and coats that get kicked off in the entry and end up in the living room because the front door opens right up into my living room? And then let’s just throw in an occasional towel that has migrated from the bathroom.

But every evening we focus on Tidy Time. (Yes, I just capitalized that, because it is sacred part of the rhythm of our home.) This is one of the things I started when my eldest two were toddlers so it has mostly become second nature (not that the kids never fight me on it). We do almost no screen time during the day so we “bring peace to our home” at around 5pm (though my eldest has discovered he gets more game time if he starts at 4:30pm and is done his tasks by 5pm) which looks like me picking the room or two that are causing me the most stress and getting the kids to teamwork tidy.

They tidy while I make dinner and then they get some screen time until we eat supper (between 6
and 6:30, depending on when my husband comes in from the farm).

They get to game, I don’t have them underfoot (as much) while I make dinner, and I can spend my evening in a more peaceful room. There’s the added bonus of the fact that my bathroom is off my living room and I already have to navigate a steep, old farmhouse stairs (which have already caused a broken foot this year) so the last thing I want to do in a sleepy haze is weave through and over toys and forts. Any parent knows that stepping on Lego is incredibly painful but you don’t know until you’ve done it that stepping on a matchbox car is downright dangerous!

Any parent knows that stepping on Lego is incredibly painful but you don’t know until you’ve done it that stepping on a matchbox car is downright dangerous!

Even the Mind Needs Exercise

I schedule in daily time to read something productive. I have no issues making time to read novels and often neglect my home and family when I get sucked into a good story. So I typically need to restrict myself there. Some people get sucked into social media scrolling or Netflix but, for me, it’s novels. When I say “productive,” I mean non fiction and usually something to educate or encourage me in my God given roles. These are books that I often can take in bite sized pieces and require thought between sections. I currently give myself the second part of my toddler’s nap time (I usually nap a bit first) to sit and read while taking some notes in the Evernote app on my phone. This 30 or so minutes of stimulating my mind like this rejuvenates me for the rest of the afternoon. The nap before and coffee while I read also help, I’m sure.

Productive Work Time

I take one morning each week to do office work for the farm. It is about 3 hours of sitting at my mom’s house and putting my “education” to good use while my husband spends time with the kids. Before children I was in finances, largely helping families set goals, budget, and make a plan for the future. My office morning consists mostly bookkeeping data entry but, as with any business, farming requires budgets and plans as well. I don’t so much enjoy the data entry part but I love plotting the progression our farm goals and brainstorming ways to bring it there. So technically this is me going to work but I count it as mental stimulation.

I also take a couple hours every other week do to some technical blogging stuff. I write in the mornings but laptop time to do images or formatting is in short supply. So every couple of weeks I get childcare (usually my husband at this point) to hammer out some of the more techy stuff for my blog. I love checking off those little details from my list. Such a good feeling!

Maybe your productive time looks like hammering out a few housekeeping tasks or getting some freezer cooking done or even giving the floors a good scrub. Do something every week that gives you that feeling of accomplishment.

Pursuit for You

I ignored God’s call on my life for far too long. I focused on improving my marriage, mothering, homeschool, housekeeping, farming, and volunteering, which are all worthwhile and necessary pursuits, but I denied a large part of who I am, to my own detriment.

God gives all of us certain skills and talents and he does so with the expectation that we use them. He doesnt expect us to put it all on hold when we become mothers. Sometimes these skills fall into place in our role as mothers (for example, my love of making simple routines and checklists works well for my home and homeschool lifestyle) and sometimes our skills can be expanded beyond our roles as mothers (such as the habit setting workbook I created to help YOU develop simple routines and checklists).

We spend so much time focusing on improving our weaknesses that we often forget that we even have strengths. Take some time to figure out and name what you ARE good at in your current roles. Maybe you are an excellent cook. Or maybe you’re really good at playing with and having fun with your children (yes, this is absolutely a skill!). Do you have a great eye for fashion or decor? Do you kill it in the frugal living department? Are you interested or educated in a certain topic that most people are not well versed in but is applicable for your family?

How can/do you use those skills to bless your family? Are you using those skills beyond your family? Do you feel called to share those skills beyond your family?

A daily prayer: Lord, please show me what skills and talents you have instilled in me and guide me in how to use those skills to bless my family. And Lord, if it is Your will, show me how I can bless those beyond my family with the gifts You have given to me. Use me to fulfill Your will.

Since this is the last installment of my Self Care Series, I thought I’d make something to help you out on your own path to self care. Self care is all about creating good habits so I’ve put together a printable Habit Workbook to guide you through the process of choosing and tracking habits.

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Self Care For Depression Series Step 2: Body

by Tessa | Personal Development

Self Care For Depression Series Step 2: Body

Disclosure

Last week I wrote about my history with depression and the very simple way to begin a routine of self care for depression, even with little ones underfoot. (If you haven’t read it, go back to read Step 1.) Today I want to talk a bit about the next priority that I set for myself when I recognize that I am suffering from overwhelm or depression: physical self care.

I always begin with spiritual self care in an attempt to bring more peace into my heart and home but taking care of my body comes very closely after. In fact, many of my physical care habits are tied into or anchored by my spiritual care rhythms.

I mentioned that I start my morning with a coffee. I have a “high maintenance” coffee that actually contributes to my physical care. I skip breakfast so often so I started making a yummy protein filled latte instead of a regular coffee. I mix 2 tablespoons of beef gelatin into half a cup of while fat milk using my Breville milk frother (one if the few kitchen gadgets I’m willing to give up precious counter space for!) and make a medium coffee. The frother was a Christmas present a couple years ago that gets used several time a day, including by my children who love steamers or matcha lattes, or hot chocolate. We are a milk loving family so hot milk beverages are pretty standard in our diets.

Anyway, while everything is frothing and brewing I down a glass of milk or water (usually milk, if we have enough) with my vitamins. I take a pretty standard combination of vitamins: omega 3, probiotics, vitamin c, vitamin d, magnesium, dessicated liver (I have struggled with iron levels my whole life so this one helps there), methyl folate and methyl b12. This is a combination that I have discovered works well for my general wellbeing and energy levels. It took me a long time to come to this particular combination with the help of my doctor, naturopath, and my own research and experimentation. I continue to tweak (for example, I discovered the liver and omega contributed hugely to my nausea during pregnancy so I dropped those for a time) and change doses depending on factors like the time of year.

I highly recommend talking to your doctor to see if antidepressants is something your should try if you’ve felt in a state of stress and overwhelm or depression for more than just a few months. If you find the right one, it can be a really great help to balance things and remind you what it’s like to feel “normal” again.

While the combination is working well, I also add a “heavy hitter” in the natural world for my depression: St John’s Wort. I have, in the past, taken pharmaceutical anti depressants and I highly recommend talking to your doctor to see if this is something your should try, if you’ve felt in a state of stress and overwhelm or depression for more than just a few months. If you find the right one, it can be a really great help to balance things and remind you what it’s like to feel “normal” again. At this point St John’s Wort has been my go to for depression. I often take a higher dose in the winter to help ward off seasonal affective disorder (Check out my 6 Tips for Beating Winter Blues to see how I deal with this) and either lower the dose or stop completely during the summer when I’m able to get more sunshine, fresh air, and exercise (in essence, going on walks around the farm with the kids or pulling weeds and watering the garden, when we have one).

In addition to regularly taking vitamins, I take care of my body by getting a lot of sleep. There are those that say we all get the same 24 hours every day to accomplish things but I disagree. Some people only need 5 or 6 hours of sleep. I am NOT some people. Between my natural issues as a lower energy person, my health struggles over the years, pregnancies, and the fact that I have had at least one night waking child for the last 11.5 years, I have learned that I need a higher than average amount of sleep.

I need about 9 hours of sleep every night.

I am usually in bed and ready to sleep by 10:00pm so I can be up around 6:00ish, before my kids start waking. Then I nap with the littlest in the afternoon for 30-60 minutes. At some phases in my life this has meant putting on a show and dozing on the couch and at some points (as my older children have gotten more responsible) this looks like tucking into my own bed upstairs for an hour or more. And then making sure I get to bed early if my nap time doesn’t rejuvenate me enough.

We really underestimate the value of sleep in our society, and it is to our own detriment. Trust me when I say that “losing” a few evening hours won’t be the end of the world. Or that getting up before the children is necessary to get anything accomplished. To be honest with you, I just recently started getting up before the kids to begin writing again. I don’t, however, leave my bed. I know that my toddler will wake up within 5 minutes of me leaving him, or my 5yo bouncy and bubbly morning sunshine will decide that 6am is his new wakeup up time too. So, instead, my house begins waking up about 7:30 (actually, the 5yo has learned to look for the 7 on the clock and is often sitting (read: bouncing, jumping, giggling) on the couch when the 2yo and I come downstairs) and the kids know that my primary response to their chattering is a grunt until I get mind up and running for the day.

So I’ve covered my coffee routine, vitamins, and sleep. Now to talk about the most dreaded physical care tip: Exercise.

Brutal honesty: I have never really done this. The only form of exercise I can get excited about is swimming but the pool in town is a 20 minute drive and there is no child care so I can’t go swim laps every couple of days. Most of my exercise consists of carrying a baby or toddler around on my hip or back while I lug laundry baskets up the stairs or sweep the floors. In the summer I do regularly get outside to walk around the farm at a leisurely pace. I hibernate during the winter because I get cold very easily and I have a history of a bad back injury so I am afraid of slipping on ice.

We recently purchased a rowing machine (this is the rowing machine we purchased) and I have been attempting to get a few minutes in every day. It is gentle enough that a few minutes doesn’t aggravate my back and I believe it is actually strengthening my core as I am not struggling with pelvic and hip pain during this pregnancy like I did with the others. I started with 10 strokes, then worked up to 50, which only took about 1.5 minutes, and have built up to setting a time on my phone for 3.5 minutes. It’s not a lot but it is something I can currently commit to. I’ll add time as I’m able to, mentally and physically. Baby steps.

I usually row right before gathering my laundry and making my bed during our 9am “High 5” routine. The machine is in the office/storage room next to our bedroom so I have no excuse. I just pretend, for my own mind’s sake, that gathering laundry takes 3.5 minutes longer than it used to. It doesn’t feel like a big of a deal then and my mind doesn’t fight it as much.

I believe it was Ruth Soukup in her book Do It Scared who I first heard say that discipline is a limited resource. Use it for the big goals in your life so you can move forward. When I’m in a season of depression or overwhelm, the biggest goal in my life is to “right the boat,” so to speak. Or survive day to day. This means that I use the very limited amount of discipline and willpower I can muster to take care of my soul and body and mind by creating habits that no longer require discipline to push through.

Knowing that discipline is a limited resource, what is the simple, small, step that you can use your discipline for at this point in your life to take care of your body and physical health?

Self Care Series Part 1: Spiritual

Self Care Series Part 3: Mind