Lately I’ve been busy caring for my family but I haven’t been focused a lot on enjoying my children. I want to enjoy being a mom but I’m not naturally a “fun mom” and I don’t know how to play with my children.

What I’ve learned is that the most important thing if you don’t know how to play with your children, is to just get down on the floor with them. You need to get used to saying “yes” to them when they ask you to play. You can start by following their lead in play and let them decide what you should do. While playing with your children should be about their fun, if you have a more determined (aka bossy) child, you may even need to learn to say “no” to the way they are playing and show them how they can accommodate others into their play.

One of the most popular topics I have written about is 4 tips for how to enjoy your children more and, of the 4, the one that most mothers I’ve talked to neglect to do, is getting into their world. I’m fully confessing that I am not a “fun mom.” I don’t really do crafts or imaginative play. When I try to play Lego, I usually just end up sorting instead of building.

I don’t even enjoy adult coloring books, which are all the rage right now. As for cutting, gluing and glitter, no thanks!

It is so easy to get distracted. By good things like caring for a baby, keeping your home and family in order, volunteering, keeping up on your self care. But distracted nonetheless. Often we spend so much time doing things for our family that we forget how to just be with our children and enjoy them.

Play is such an important part of a child’s life. As parents, we want to learn to connect with our children and learning how to play with them can fast track our relationship with them.

Getting into the world of our children is such an important way to connect with them. So what do we do if we don’t actually know how to play?

To Play With Your Child You Need to Get On the Floor

Children love when we push matchbox cars around the car mat or build block towers to knock down. We need to appreciate and explore the Lego creations that our kids have made. We can’t do any of that unless we are physically getting down to their level.

This might mean literally sitting on the floor in their play zone. Sometimes just sitting on the floor can be enough to draw your child into play. It might mean picking up a controller and meeting a child in their video game world, even if you aren’t a gamer. It may mean going to the basketball court and standing in the middle of it until they throw you a ball.

In order to play with your child, you actually need to become active in their world. Move from an observer to a participant.

Say “Yes” When Your Child Asks You to Play

Make a commitment to say “yes” anytime they bring you a storybook (or limit your “yes” time to a certain few hours of the day). Listen intently as your children describe the plots or characters in the books they are reading or shows they are watching. (I used to preread everything but they have more time and my 12yo is a crazy fast reader so I just can’t keep up anymore.) Interact and ask questions to show that you’re paying attention. When you child asks if they can go to the park, go play with them instead of sitting on the bench.

Follow Their Lead When You Don’t Know What to Do

While asking them to play a board game or initiating a crafting time with them is great, you don’t always have to manufacture doing something with them. They often don’t need you to direct them to a game or activity. Sometimes you just need to get into their world and follow their ideas.

If they are already engaged in building a Lego farm, sit down and start building a barn. Or sit beside them on the couch to read over their shoulder and ask a couple questions about what their favorite part of the book is (or this could seriously annoy your child, in which case you may want to pick up the book when they aren’t reading so you can have a conversation about it. Follow their lead!).

Maybe it looks like picking up the xbox controller and help build their latest castle in their Minecraft world, to their specifications of course. (Even if you spend most of the time just trying to figure out how to get the chest of supplies open!) If you’re unsure, ask!

Children are often willing to explain their game and will love the opportunity to lead!

When to Say “No” When Playing With Your Child

Being willing to play with your child does not mean allowing your child to rule over you. Some children are more …. determined than others and it can be eye-opening to see how this manifests in their play.

I always figure that more determined children can be raised into adults who will conquer the world but play time can be a good time for them to learn to accommodate the needs of others.

In most cases, play will be child-led but you can absolutely suggest a different book if you’ve read “Going on a Bear Hunt” 57,000 times and you need a break! Or if your child is making up all the rules and you’re not allowed any input to the point that it feels like you’re being dictated to rather than played with, you’re allowed to say “no more.”

You’re allowed to offer ideas for the game and you’re allowed to decline games that make you feel uncomfortable or injure you. If our toddler wants to play “jump on Mommy and pull her hair,” you’re welcome to decline and offer a more appropriate game.

If you’re like me and not a “fun mom,” this can feel totally unnatural and, to be honest, can take a specific energy and determination that you need to muster up. It takes practice to build something with Lego rather than sort the bins. But there are no rules saying you can’t ask your child to for ideas so let them offer suggestions or advice.

You don’t actually have to be interested in everything they are interested in. When my eldest shows me yet another kind of tank and tells me about it, he knows I will likely not remember but appreciates my undivided attention. (I think I’m getting better at the tank thing. There’s a Panzer, an Abram, a Leopard, a Tiger I and II and… that’s all I’ve got and please don’t ask me to point them out in a picture. )

I’m sure we’ve all heard that children don’t remember how clean their house was but they do remember if their parents were there for them. I’m not entirely sure that’s true because I can clearly remember my mom vacuuming way more often than I do and she even dusted and ironed!

(Is dusting still a thing that people do?)

But I also remember my dad playing board or card games with us on Sunday afternoon. Or my mom sitting beside my sister and me as we watched Gilmore Girls.

Learning how to play with your kids takes time but it is a skill that you can learn, just as you learned to wash dishes or cook supper. It comes with tremendous benefits of increasing your understanding of your children, which can make mothering them easier. And if you get into their world when they are young, they are more likely to allow you into their world as they get older.

Let me know in the comments, how are you going to play with your kids this week? I’m going to pick up that xbox controller at their game time and try to memorize how to open that chest and move supplies into my inventory so I can build something. Who am I kidding? That’s too many buttons! I’ll probably just ride the Minecart roller coaster around their community and let them give me the grand tour.