F is for Fatigue: How to Survive on Interrupted Sleep

Disclosure

Many cultures don’t ever question night wakings the way that North America does. They expect kids to be waking during the night until after age three!

Mama Fatigue: How to survive on interrupted sleep

But in all of the parenting and breastfeeding support forums and groups that I am a part of, the number one subject of concerns is based around sleep. Mom is tired; baby is waking frequently; baby won’t fall asleep on his/her own; baby won’t sleep alone; and the list goes on.

I’m not going to tell you how to get your baby to sleep. I subscribe to the “wait it out” philosophy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: all babies sleep…. eventually.

“But you don’t know my baby! She’s 8/14/18 months old and still waking every two hours. I can’t survive like this!”

Yes, you can. And you will. Generations of mothers have done it before you and generations of mothers will survive it after you.

Let me tell you about an adorable little boy who people said had “sleep problems”:

He nursed every 1-2 hours, round the clock. He only ever slept if he was in someone’s arms. Even during the night. He awoke as soon as he was laid down. He never slept more than a two hour stretch, or went more than two hours between needing breastmilk (from the source or expressed), until he was 18 months old. He “finally” went to sleep without nursing down when he was about 2.5 years old. At that point he learned to nap on his own during the day, though he still needed to be in someone’s arms at night. He was about 3.5 years old when he was “finally” able to sleep on his own but he still woke 2-3 times per night, every night. So he slept in a bed right next to his Daddy to make it easier to settle him back down quickly. At around age 4 he started to go to bed consistently at about 8pm, instead of his usual 10-11pm. He still woke 1-2 times per night. At 4.5 years old he asked if he could have his own room. And he started going to bed at 7:30 every night and slept a full 12 hours, with no night wakings. He has never had any of the regular nighttime fears (dark, monsters, being alone etc) and bedtime is never a struggle. He has never cried himself to sleep and has never been sleep trained.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: all babies sleep…. eventually.

Once you accept the fact that your baby/toddler/preschooler is normal and his/her night waking are completely normal, how do you survive on interrupted sleep?

Here’s what I’ve learned about how to survive on interrupted sleep:

Napping

I took every single nap with my oldest until he was 6 months and then I went down to about two naps per day, a 9-10pm bedtime, and sleeping/dozing/nursing as long as I could in the morning. It meant I scheduled my days around my naps for a long time (he would nap anywhere, as long as he was in my arms) but it was what I needed to do to stay health and sanity.

With my second, napping was a bit different. I found I adjusted to the lack of sleep much quicker, which helped. My oldest napped once per day until his brother was just over a year. So after that I would put the baby down and turn on a show for my oldest. He would sit with my while I dozed on the couch. Confession here: I also started drinking coffee more regularly when my oldest quit napping. I still went to bed as early as I could and slept as late as I could.

Quiet time

Now I have no nappers and am pregnant. First trimester fatigue just about did me in! I would send the boys to play and just doze on the couch, or I would turn a show on and give them a snack while I napped. I was never really big on TV for my kids but Netflix has probably saved my health by allowing me a bit of midday quiet! About half the time I can also make a fort out of the bunk bed or under the kitchen table and I set the kids in there with a couple books and they will sit until the timer goes off. Or, when Mama “forgets” to set the timer, they will sometimes enjoy their fort and quiet time for over an hour! If you’re interested in more specific details, here’s great article on how to get establish a quiet time.

Do Less

I also make the choice to stay home a lot more than many moms I know. I choose not to get overly involved in everything so that I can take care of my health and get my kids used to a regular quiet time (which I’m guessing will be really handy when the baby comes).

Focus on Health

Also vitamin b complex and iron are my good friends (this is not medical advice, look into supplements yourself if you think your body may be lacking). And, again, a regular bed time is critical. Crystal from Money Saving Mom has “make sleep a priority” as her number one tip in her 15 Ways to Have More Energy series. I completely agree.

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Take heart, Mama. You can and will survive this. Believe it or not, your body is designed to adjust to this interrupted sleep pattern. While you are in this season of your life, turn around the clock, let go of unrealistic expectations (of yourself and your child), and decide to accept the fact that you have been called to this role and that you are fully equipped to make it through.

If you are a mom who has made it through the years of interrupted sleep, leave some words of encouragement for those mothers who are “in the trenches,” so to speak.

If you are an exhausted mother, I’m starting into season/child number 3 any day now (hopefully!) and will be right there in the trenches with you! Are you willing to turn around the clock and ignore the calendar to make the commitment to meet your child’s needs until they are outgrown?

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Attitude Towards Mothering – Blogging Through the Alphabet

by Tessa | Motherhood

I’ve decided to join Marcy from Ben and Me on her journey of blogging through the alphabet. Every Monday, from A until Z, I hope to be linking up with her. Make sure that you check out the whole link up party every week because there are going to be many other great posts to check out.

Though I may not be the most experienced mother out there, I have met incredible mothers on the tail end of the journey and, through their insights, I do believe I have discovered a secret to mothering: it’s all about a person’s attitude towards mothering. Some believe that children should be seen and not heard, and they are completely shocked when their baby cries. Some believe that all babies should respond the same way to the same thing, and they are shocked when their baby turns out different than their friends’ babies. Some believe that all babies should be doing this or that by a specific age and they are proud when their baby is “ahead” or ashamed when their baby is “behind.”

Isn’t it interesting that we understand that every adult is different and has different skills, interests, and gifts, yet we expect all our children to fit into a specific mold? We have some ridiculous expectations of our children and babies and, to be honest, it can get very stressful when you try to meet all of them.

Here are some universal truths about babies and becoming a mother:

1. Your baby will need you and you are capable of meeting those needs (even if sometimes it feels like they need more than you can give).
2. Your baby will learn how to walk…. eventually.
3. Your baby will learn to sleep longer stretches….. eventually. Have you ever met a teenager who doesn’t like his/her sleep?
4. Your baby will learn to speak…..eventually. Some babies are more vocal than others and some are less. Much like some adults are more vocal than others and some are less.
5. Your baby will cry. (See point #4)
6. Your baby will be out of diapers…. eventually.
7. Your baby will get sick. A cold or fever isn’t the end of the world.
8. You will be tired. Recognize this fact and realize that, as much as it sucks, fatigue is not the end of the world. You are not entitled to 8 solid hours of sleep per night. You will impress yourself with how many years you can not only survive but learn to thrive off of interrupted sleep.

Get rid of preconceived notions about what your baby (or toddler, preschooler, school aged child, etc) should be doing. Relax and just go with the flow. Stop comparing to books and charts and, especially, to other babies you know. Your baby is unique and will therefore choose his/her own unique growth and development curve. The only one that your baby should be compared to is him/herself. Is progress being made? Why or why not?

Make the decision that when you hit a rough patch, it isn’t because your baby is broken or you are incapable of caring for him/her. It is because there are ups and downs in everyone’s life, including your baby’s.

Good news for when you’re in a rough patch: This is a phase, this too shall pass.
Bad news for when things are flowing smoothly: This is a phase, this too shall pass.

The biggest challenge is to develop an attitude towards mothering that will see you through all the highs and lows.

Step 1: Commit. You’re in for the long haul so you can either choose to be miserable for the long haul or choose to appreciate the beauty that comes with this wonderful privilege of mothering.

Step 2: Listen to your Baby. I’m not advocating that you ignore medical advice, or even advice from well meaning loved ones, but I am advocating that you listen to your child first and foremost. The more you listen to your mother’s intuition from the beginning, the more you’ll be able to discern whether someone’s advice applies to you and your situation.

Step 3: Seek encouragement. Find a friend, or group of friends, who will encourage you to listen to your baby instead of to them. Keep in mind that encouragement and advice are two very different things. Most moms already know what they should be doing and just need to be encouraged to do it.

There’s a simple 3 step plan to developing an attitude towards mothering that will put you on a significantly smoother path than comparisons and unrealistic expectations will.

What is one of the biggest preconceived notions that you have had to let go of since becoming a mother?
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Season of Rest

by Tessa | Homemaking

I wrote last week about how I am currently in a season of rest. I gladly gave up all the busyness of my previous life when we moved, and I made a purposeful decision not to reignite that path. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the multiple playdates and friend visits every week. I loved my women’s Bible study and the hours I spend volunteering with new moms. I truly enjoyed my sewing business and doing the marketing and sales for it. I even loved giving the gift of marketing and bookkeeping services for a couple of other local businesses. Not to forget living out my role as a wife and mother.

But it couldn’t last. I was beginning to emotionally, mentally, and physically suffer.

Moving away from nearly all of my family and all of my support system presented me with a unique opportunity to hit the “restart” button. We knew that the farm startup would require a large time investment. I was able to commit the hours needed to parent the children largely on my own while my husband worked long hours and am glad that the farm work I had to do allowed me to bring them with me. They spent a great deal of time in the barns those first 6 months. I wasn’t able to reach out to the community a lot because I knew that my days were not my own. With most mornings spent in the barn, then brunch, housework and naptime, and then late afternoons consisting of chores, supper and then bedtimes, I was left with very few hours to pursue anything off the farm.

In spite of the fact that our days were so busy, we have felt a peace settle over our family. I think this peace came about for several reasons:

1. We are following God’s direction for our lives and His grace sustained (and continues to sustain) us through the transition and all that has come with it. We have had to rely on Him in a whole new way and He has provided more strength than we could have imagined.
2. We were spending more time focusing on just being with our family in our spare time. Partially because we were (are still, actually) so tied to the farm, but also because the family was/is working together toward a common goal. Even the kids sensed the importance of the work and put on their snow gear every morning to help out in the barn.
3. We are at a good stage right now with the kids. After having a very rough couple of years with a difficult pregnancy, my post partum depression and back injury, topped off with a son that took a long time for us to understand, we finally started to get into a good family groove. Days aren’t perfect but, since we aren’t overrun with outside commitments, we are able to meet our children where they’re at.

We are fully aware that things will be turned upside down in a few months as we prepare to introduce a newborn into the picture, and we’re okay with that. We are making preparations with our family rhythm and, more importantly, we are preparing our attitudes. The boys know that the new baby will need lots of attention and they have both eagerly volunteered to help out wherever they are able. We are practicing different housework tasks and, while the 2.5 year old is more limited in the duties he can do, the 5 year old is quite capable of doing nearly everything that I can do in the house.

Our season of rest may be nearing an end, but that doesn’t mean that we need to kick out the Peace that has settled either. I have a feeling that our next season could be entitled “Peace In a Time of Flux.”

Help for Postpartum Depression

by Tessa | Motherhood, Personal Development

I have been battling with depression for a long time. I know for sure that I was depressed at about 15 and it has been a thorn in my side ever since. Sometimes I’m winning the battle and other times I need to be reminded that the battle isn’t my own.

After a nasty bout of post partum depression last year, I wanted to share some words with those who are currently in the thick of it. I know that I have a number of friends who are there right now so this is for you:

Dear Friend,

I want you to know that you’re in my prayers. You always are (in case you didn’t know) but particularily at this moment about the emotional roller coaster that is your life right now. One thing that I used as a reminder of the light at the end of the tunnel was putting a few Bible verses on index cards and putting them in my chore card box so I could read them every day (or at least every day that I remembered to open my box!). Even if I didn’t do the chore cards, I felt better just reading my verses out loud. Here are the ones that I found regular strength and comfort in:

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgements He pronounced. 1 Chronicles 16:11-12

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand. Isaiah 41:10

No matter how bad I felt, whether it was last year with my PPD or the worst year of my depression 8 years ago, I always had that Light at the end of the tunnel. The promise that this valley would end. And it will. You’re not going to just “snap out of it” and you’re not going to find a miracle cure (though if you do then you have to share with me!!!!) but you will slowly build things up again. One step at a time. Until you get to the point that you can look back and realize that it’s been a while since you had a bad day, your only goal is to survive. Like that popular poem says, “rock your babies, because babies don’t keep.”

You are a fabulous mother and your children know how much you love them. They will never forget that no matter how out of control you may feel. Breathe in, breathe out. And cry if you need to. And always remember that there is a Light. Let me know if you need help finding Him!

Love always from your friend who has been there and survived.

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