by Tessa | Motherhood
I’ve decided to join Marcy from Ben and Me on her journey of blogging through the alphabet. Every Monday, from A until Z, I hope to be linking up with her. Make sure that you check out the whole link up party every week because there are going to be many other great posts to check out.
Though I may not be the most experienced mother out there, I have met incredible mothers on the tail end of the journey and, through their insights, I do believe I have discovered a secret to mothering: it’s all about a person’s attitude towards mothering. Some believe that children should be seen and not heard, and they are completely shocked when their baby cries. Some believe that all babies should respond the same way to the same thing, and they are shocked when their baby turns out different than their friends’ babies. Some believe that all babies should be doing this or that by a specific age and they are proud when their baby is “ahead” or ashamed when their baby is “behind.”
Isn’t it interesting that we understand that every adult is different and has different skills, interests, and gifts, yet we expect all our children to fit into a specific mold? We have some ridiculous expectations of our children and babies and, to be honest, it can get very stressful when you try to meet all of them.
Here are some universal truths about babies and becoming a mother:
1. Your baby will need you and you are capable of meeting those needs (even if sometimes it feels like they need more than you can give).
2. Your baby will learn how to walk…. eventually.
3. Your baby will learn to sleep longer stretches….. eventually. Have you ever met a teenager who doesn’t like his/her sleep?
4. Your baby will learn to speak…..eventually. Some babies are more vocal than others and some are less. Much like some adults are more vocal than others and some are less.
5. Your baby will cry. (See point #4)
6. Your baby will be out of diapers…. eventually.
7. Your baby will get sick. A cold or fever isn’t the end of the world.
8. You will be tired. Recognize this fact and realize that, as much as it sucks, fatigue is not the end of the world. You are not entitled to 8 solid hours of sleep per night. You will impress yourself with how many years you can not only survive but learn to thrive off of interrupted sleep.
Get rid of preconceived notions about what your baby (or toddler, preschooler, school aged child, etc) should be doing. Relax and just go with the flow. Stop comparing to books and charts and, especially, to other babies you know. Your baby is unique and will therefore choose his/her own unique growth and development curve. The only one that your baby should be compared to is him/herself. Is progress being made? Why or why not?
Make the decision that when you hit a rough patch, it isn’t because your baby is broken or you are incapable of caring for him/her. It is because there are ups and downs in everyone’s life, including your baby’s.
Good news for when you’re in a rough patch: This is a phase, this too shall pass.
Bad news for when things are flowing smoothly: This is a phase, this too shall pass.
The biggest challenge is to develop an attitude towards mothering that will see you through all the highs and lows.
Step 1: Commit. You’re in for the long haul so you can either choose to be miserable for the long haul or choose to appreciate the beauty that comes with this wonderful privilege of mothering.
Step 2: Listen to your Baby. I’m not advocating that you ignore medical advice, or even advice from well meaning loved ones, but I am advocating that you listen to your child first and foremost. The more you listen to your mother’s intuition from the beginning, the more you’ll be able to discern whether someone’s advice applies to you and your situation.
Step 3: Seek encouragement. Find a friend, or group of friends, who will encourage you to listen to your baby instead of to them. Keep in mind that encouragement and advice are two very different things. Most moms already know what they should be doing and just need to be encouraged to do it.
There’s a simple 3 step plan to developing an attitude towards mothering that will put you on a significantly smoother path than comparisons and unrealistic expectations will.
What is one of the biggest preconceived notions that you have had to let go of since becoming a mother?
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by Tessa | Motherhood
My interpretation of unschooling is that it is a form of learning from life without imposing a specific curriculum or forcing a specific method of teaching on my children.
A lot of information about unschooling that I have read talks about how it is just letting life teach your children the things they need to know to live and thrive in this world and culture. This method of learning has always made perfect sense to me. If you need a skill to survive in your current role or career, you find a way to aquire it. Sometimes this is done through extensive reading and research, other times through hands-on trial & error, and other times it requires us to take a course specifically set up to give us the proper qualifications and information. At the end of the day, the outcome is the same: the new skill is learned because you chose to learn it. Why should it look any different for our children?
Many radical unschoolers forgo the practice of schedules or parent-imposed learning or even restrictions on anything that many other children have limits on. While I understand how this can work really well for some families, I feel that unschooling gives my family and I the opportunity to set up our household in a way that works for us. My family runs better when we have a regular rhythm to our days. This also means that we require certain things from our children and have certain rules for them.
Here is a bit of a framework for our family:
* We require our children to participate in the family, including the family work (household as well as farm).
* We expect them to show the love of God through their actions and attitudes. We do no allow them to disrespect us or each other.
* We believe that our children must respect us as authority figures (which, in turn, means that we must prove ourselves to be an authority worth respecting).
* We teach and expect them to treat their bodies as temples of God, which includes healthy eating habits, an active lifestyle, and healthy sleep habits.
* The condition of their heart takes precedence over all else.
Those are some of the boundaries and expectations that we have in place for when our children live in our home.
The Alberta School Act even states it’s goal for students become a “self-reliant, responsible, caring and contributing member of society.” It seems that even the Alberta government believes that character is important. Many employers realize that while skills can always be taught, character cannot. In fact, out of the 46% of job failures that happen within the first 18 months, 89% was due to attitude issues, only 11% was due to lack of skill. So, in order to give my kids the best foot forward, our main focus will be to develop their character. We believe that these things are essential to our children becoming capable and well-adjusted adults. And isn’t that what unschooling, or any other educational method, is all about?
by Tessa | Faith
I have all but given up on rising early. I know that the early bird catches the worm and I would love to start my day with an hour of Scripture and prayer but it’s just not happening. Instead of trying to guilt myself about it, I’ve found another strategy.
I really like the idea of morning quiet time with God. I used to be an early bird. Then I had children. I now really love (and need) my sleep. I still sleep-share (co-sleep) with my littlest and he has a sixth sense. As soon as I try to leave the bed in the morning he will wake up and want to nurse for an hour. So I remind myself that he’s only young once and we snuggle in for an hour of dozing/nursing.
Here are some alternatives to rising early yet still getting into God’s Word in the start of my day:
- Set an alarm and go to bed on time. For me this means at 10:15pm my phone starts jingling and I start getting ready for bed. This is often step one to getting a good start the next day.
- Set an alarm for the morning (mine is at 7am). This one drives my husband crazy because he’s usually the one turning it off while I roll over to go back to sleep. But every once in a while he will be unavailable (i.e. outside working already) and I have to jump out of bed to turn the alarm off. Most of the time the littlest wakes up, but sometimes he doesn’t. And by that point I’m out of bed anyway so I (try) to stay awake and read.
- Another alarm perk: they are on my smart phone. My smart phone also has a Bible app. Since I have my phone in my hand anyway I can flip open the app and start my daily reading while laying in bed.
- Sleep through the alarm and wake up around 8ish with the kids. This has been my usual routine as of late. They run around in jammies while I grab my already made coffee (did I mention I have the best husband ever?) and sit at the table.
I have started grabbing a journal to jot down my thoughts on my daily reading and I click “play” on my phone and Max Lucado reads the Bible to me. Sometimes it takes me half an hour (or more) to get my 15 minutes of reading in. Sometimes they play so nicely that I allow myself a bit of extra time to delve further into a verse that really spoke to me. Or write a quick blog post to tell you that, even if you have little ones and sleep is too precious to wake up early (can you say “multiple night wakings?”), you can still start your day right, with the Lord.
C is now back in the house and will be wanting some breakfast (or probably a cookie as I gave Biscuit one while he was playing outside to buy me a few extra minutes) so I’m off to get everyone dressed, fed, and out the door to do chores.
Do you have any other tips for getting in a few minutes of God-time before you start your day? I’d love to hear them!
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by Tessa | Motherhood
I have some great posts that I want to write but my time is not my own these days. Currently my little ones are watching a show so I can type this out really quick and then head to my sewing machine to get some stuff ready for a trade fair that I’m attending this weekend. My house is in disarray, I have frozen lasagna for supper (and that’s the best supper my family has had in the last while!) and I feel like I’m running on fumes. Coffee fumes that is.
Quick update: The farm renovations are nearing completion. Another couple weeks and (Lord willing!) the barn will be ready to go. Which means that I have some more packing to do. God is really showing us His hand in things and, though His ways are hard to understand, I try to remember that He is in control and will take care of His children.
Bought a 20 book set about science and C and I started reading them as soon as they were out of the car. He is learning new words and absolutely loving the books.
Both boys are enthralled with the new kittens in the barn and are learning to be gentle with them. They are the first tame kittens we have had in quite a few years. Their mama is tame but usually she hides her kittens so we can’t tame them. I think that God knew we needed some soft, snuggly kittens in our lives right now.
Motherwort is being tinctured right now, echinacea wil be tinctured in the next couple of days, and herbal teas and vitamins are ordered. Hoping we’ll be able to make it through cold & flu season without any chemical drugs.
Care to share any of your favorite cold & flu remedies? I’d love to add some more natural methods to my arsenal!
by Tessa | Homemaking
I don’t often require childcare for my children but, when I do, I know where to find it. If I’m desperate (like the time my friend called to tell me she was in labour and I needed to get to her house right away) I know who I can call. If I need help folding laundry, I know who to ask. I know who would be willing and able to bring my family a meal if I was sick and unable to cook. I even put out a request recently to one of my local groups to help support a friend in her business and the result was absolutely incredible! I have built some pretty amazing friendships in this area and have never had to feel like I’m in this battle journey of motherhood alone.
The value of support has really hit home this last week for two reasons: First, it occurred to me that we could be moving as soon as 2-3 weeks; and second, a mom posted in a local group about how she didn’t feel like she had the support and encouragement she needs. (The group really stepped up with such an accepting and non-judgemental attitude that I believe this wonderful Mama found the love and support she was missing.)
I know that many of my friendships will stay strong even after I move away but things will change. They physically will not be able to support me in the same way (and I won’t be able to support them in the same way either, which is an even harder thought!). There is something to be said for having a neighbor nearby that you can count on.
Though I’m a little nervous about reaching out and developing a whole new local support system, I need to make it a priority.
A local support community isn’t something that just happens. Bake a pie, head over to your neighbors’ house and introduce yourself. Take some time to get to know them and learn what’s important to them. Then offer help with no expectations that they will return the favour because, in most cases, they won’t. And that’s okay. Because most people don’t even understand what community is anymore. If you want community, you need to show those around you what a community is. Community is about going the extra mile to make someone else’s life easier. Keep doing that and you’ll eventually stumble upon someone with the same mindset. It takes time and you may frequently need to step out of your comfort zone. But it will be worth it. And for those of us who are not the type of personality to throw a community BBQ, we can build it up one person at a time.
I read a lot of books about the Amish lifestyle and one of the most admirable things is their sense of community. The women have quilting bees and if someone’s barn burns down, the community gets together and has a barn raising. What have you done to show those around you the value of community? Any tips for me? Also, do you know who would come out to help when you need a barn raising?
