Commitment to a Newborn is Worth It
Update 2014: I have been dealing with at least one child having a nasty cold/cough keeping him (and myself) awake all night, resulting in a large amount of whining the next day (from them and, being honest here, from me too). The hardest has been 5 month old J. He just doesn’t understand why he feels so miserable and, therefore, has spent an uncharacteristic amount of time crying. I came across this blog post that I wrote several years ago when C was about 18 months old. It is a good reminder that commitment to a newborn is worth it. And so temporary. This high need phase will end. Just like the coughing is subsiding and sleep is becoming more possible for all. Just like my oldest boy is turning 6 this month. Time flies!
Times have changed so much. He used to need to nurse every 1-2 hours. He used to need to be in my arms at all times. He used to need a clean diaper every hour. I’m so glad that I filled his needs. Mothering is a hugely front-end loaded job.
Times have changed so much. He used to need to nurse every 1-2 hours. He used to need to be in my arms at all times. He used to need a clean diaper every hour. I’m so glad that I filled his needs. Mothering is a hugely front-end loaded job. C was not a high need baby by any means, but he still took a lot of time and energy. One of the biggest things to adjust to as a new mom was how much he completely and utterly relied on me to survive.
I’m not saying that to discourage anyone. It’s quite an amazing change of lifestyle actually. Your baby is completely dependent on you but it’s not a bad thing. I made the choice to have my son’s needs as number one on my list. That meant a lot of my life had to get put on the back burner for a while.
I think that’s a part of being a mother that scares people: You have to learn to be selfless. We live in such a selfish and instant gratification society.
It’s pathetic how little of ourselves we are willing to give to someone else. Commitment phobias run rampant, whether it be to a career (the average person changes careers 10 times in their life), a relationship (50% of marriages end in divorce), school, a vehicle or house (we buy new ones every 5-7 years) and pretty much anything else.
My parenting “philosophy” consists of meeting C’s needs. That includes his needs for a clean diaper, for play time, for food but it also includes his need to nurse, to be comforted to sleep, and even something as simple as his need to be with his mama. I believe that if I meet these needs when he’s young, they won’t hinder him when he’s older.
I know that by showing C a full commitment now he will learn what commitment means. He will be confident in his career and relationships, and everything else that he does in the future. Will he be a perfect adult? Absolutely not. But he will defiantly know what a real commitment looks like.
Do I miss some aspects of my life before C? I don’t usually notice it actually. I enjoy being with C so I don’t often need a “break” from him. I usually just take him with me. Now that he’s getting older, I leave him with his Papa or his Oma (my mom), both people that he knows and trusts. I can’t even think of any other sacrifices I’ve made in my life for him. Sure, I pee with the door open (and often a toddler on my lap), and cooking dinner takes a little more time than it used to, but, in the big picture, those amount to very little. The big picture is that my son is happy and healthy and our family has a lot of fun just being together!
Update 2020: My eldest is now 12! Looking back many years later at what I wrote at the beginning of my mothering journey and I find that my predictions are coming true. I’ve just had my 5th baby and things are… easier! My boys are becoming more independent and confident every day. They are more helpful and their physical need of me is so much less than their little years. I also still make sure to take time to just enjoy being with them, which helps prevent me from getting completely overwhelmed with the amount of care little ones take. Friends used to tell me this stage would come. And now it’s here (for some of my kids as I’m still in the trenches with a toddler and infant) and they were right. It was worth putting my all into them as babies and toddlers!
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