by Tessa | Motherhood
I’ve decided to join Marcy from Ben and Me on her journey of blogging through the alphabet. Every Monday, from A until Z, I hope to be linking up with her. Make sure that you check out the whole link up party every week because there are going to be many other great posts to check out.
Though I may not be the most experienced mother out there, I have met incredible mothers on the tail end of the journey and, through their insights, I do believe I have discovered a secret to mothering: it’s all about a person’s attitude towards mothering. Some believe that children should be seen and not heard, and they are completely shocked when their baby cries. Some believe that all babies should respond the same way to the same thing, and they are shocked when their baby turns out different than their friends’ babies. Some believe that all babies should be doing this or that by a specific age and they are proud when their baby is “ahead” or ashamed when their baby is “behind.”
Isn’t it interesting that we understand that every adult is different and has different skills, interests, and gifts, yet we expect all our children to fit into a specific mold? We have some ridiculous expectations of our children and babies and, to be honest, it can get very stressful when you try to meet all of them.
Here are some universal truths about babies and becoming a mother:
1. Your baby will need you and you are capable of meeting those needs (even if sometimes it feels like they need more than you can give).
2. Your baby will learn how to walk…. eventually.
3. Your baby will learn to sleep longer stretches….. eventually. Have you ever met a teenager who doesn’t like his/her sleep?
4. Your baby will learn to speak…..eventually. Some babies are more vocal than others and some are less. Much like some adults are more vocal than others and some are less.
5. Your baby will cry. (See point #4)
6. Your baby will be out of diapers…. eventually.
7. Your baby will get sick. A cold or fever isn’t the end of the world.
8. You will be tired. Recognize this fact and realize that, as much as it sucks, fatigue is not the end of the world. You are not entitled to 8 solid hours of sleep per night. You will impress yourself with how many years you can not only survive but learn to thrive off of interrupted sleep.
Get rid of preconceived notions about what your baby (or toddler, preschooler, school aged child, etc) should be doing. Relax and just go with the flow. Stop comparing to books and charts and, especially, to other babies you know. Your baby is unique and will therefore choose his/her own unique growth and development curve. The only one that your baby should be compared to is him/herself. Is progress being made? Why or why not?
Make the decision that when you hit a rough patch, it isn’t because your baby is broken or you are incapable of caring for him/her. It is because there are ups and downs in everyone’s life, including your baby’s.
Good news for when you’re in a rough patch: This is a phase, this too shall pass.
Bad news for when things are flowing smoothly: This is a phase, this too shall pass.
The biggest challenge is to develop an attitude towards mothering that will see you through all the highs and lows.
Step 1: Commit. You’re in for the long haul so you can either choose to be miserable for the long haul or choose to appreciate the beauty that comes with this wonderful privilege of mothering.
Step 2: Listen to your Baby. I’m not advocating that you ignore medical advice, or even advice from well meaning loved ones, but I am advocating that you listen to your child first and foremost. The more you listen to your mother’s intuition from the beginning, the more you’ll be able to discern whether someone’s advice applies to you and your situation.
Step 3: Seek encouragement. Find a friend, or group of friends, who will encourage you to listen to your baby instead of to them. Keep in mind that encouragement and advice are two very different things. Most moms already know what they should be doing and just need to be encouraged to do it.
There’s a simple 3 step plan to developing an attitude towards mothering that will put you on a significantly smoother path than comparisons and unrealistic expectations will.
What is one of the biggest preconceived notions that you have had to let go of since becoming a mother?
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by Tessa | Homemaking
I wrote last week about how I am currently in a season of rest. I gladly gave up all the busyness of my previous life when we moved, and I made a purposeful decision not to reignite that path. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the multiple playdates and friend visits every week. I loved my women’s Bible study and the hours I spend volunteering with new moms. I truly enjoyed my sewing business and doing the marketing and sales for it. I even loved giving the gift of marketing and bookkeeping services for a couple of other local businesses. Not to forget living out my role as a wife and mother.
But it couldn’t last. I was beginning to emotionally, mentally, and physically suffer.
Moving away from nearly all of my family and all of my support system presented me with a unique opportunity to hit the “restart” button. We knew that the farm startup would require a large time investment. I was able to commit the hours needed to parent the children largely on my own while my husband worked long hours and am glad that the farm work I had to do allowed me to bring them with me. They spent a great deal of time in the barns those first 6 months. I wasn’t able to reach out to the community a lot because I knew that my days were not my own. With most mornings spent in the barn, then brunch, housework and naptime, and then late afternoons consisting of chores, supper and then bedtimes, I was left with very few hours to pursue anything off the farm.
In spite of the fact that our days were so busy, we have felt a peace settle over our family. I think this peace came about for several reasons:
1. We are following God’s direction for our lives and His grace sustained (and continues to sustain) us through the transition and all that has come with it. We have had to rely on Him in a whole new way and He has provided more strength than we could have imagined.
2. We were spending more time focusing on just being with our family in our spare time. Partially because we were (are still, actually) so tied to the farm, but also because the family was/is working together toward a common goal. Even the kids sensed the importance of the work and put on their snow gear every morning to help out in the barn.
3. We are at a good stage right now with the kids. After having a very rough couple of years with a difficult pregnancy, my post partum depression and back injury, topped off with a son that took a long time for us to understand, we finally started to get into a good family groove. Days aren’t perfect but, since we aren’t overrun with outside commitments, we are able to meet our children where they’re at.
We are fully aware that things will be turned upside down in a few months as we prepare to introduce a newborn into the picture, and we’re okay with that. We are making preparations with our family rhythm and, more importantly, we are preparing our attitudes. The boys know that the new baby will need lots of attention and they have both eagerly volunteered to help out wherever they are able. We are practicing different housework tasks and, while the 2.5 year old is more limited in the duties he can do, the 5 year old is quite capable of doing nearly everything that I can do in the house.
Our season of rest may be nearing an end, but that doesn’t mean that we need to kick out the Peace that has settled either. I have a feeling that our next season could be entitled “Peace In a Time of Flux.”
by Tessa | Faith
I have all but given up on rising early. I know that the early bird catches the worm and I would love to start my day with an hour of Scripture and prayer but it’s just not happening. Instead of trying to guilt myself about it, I’ve found another strategy.
I really like the idea of morning quiet time with God. I used to be an early bird. Then I had children. I now really love (and need) my sleep. I still sleep-share (co-sleep) with my littlest and he has a sixth sense. As soon as I try to leave the bed in the morning he will wake up and want to nurse for an hour. So I remind myself that he’s only young once and we snuggle in for an hour of dozing/nursing.
Here are some alternatives to rising early yet still getting into God’s Word in the start of my day:
- Set an alarm and go to bed on time. For me this means at 10:15pm my phone starts jingling and I start getting ready for bed. This is often step one to getting a good start the next day.
- Set an alarm for the morning (mine is at 7am). This one drives my husband crazy because he’s usually the one turning it off while I roll over to go back to sleep. But every once in a while he will be unavailable (i.e. outside working already) and I have to jump out of bed to turn the alarm off. Most of the time the littlest wakes up, but sometimes he doesn’t. And by that point I’m out of bed anyway so I (try) to stay awake and read.
- Another alarm perk: they are on my smart phone. My smart phone also has a Bible app. Since I have my phone in my hand anyway I can flip open the app and start my daily reading while laying in bed.
- Sleep through the alarm and wake up around 8ish with the kids. This has been my usual routine as of late. They run around in jammies while I grab my already made coffee (did I mention I have the best husband ever?) and sit at the table.
I have started grabbing a journal to jot down my thoughts on my daily reading and I click “play” on my phone and Max Lucado reads the Bible to me. Sometimes it takes me half an hour (or more) to get my 15 minutes of reading in. Sometimes they play so nicely that I allow myself a bit of extra time to delve further into a verse that really spoke to me. Or write a quick blog post to tell you that, even if you have little ones and sleep is too precious to wake up early (can you say “multiple night wakings?”), you can still start your day right, with the Lord.
C is now back in the house and will be wanting some breakfast (or probably a cookie as I gave Biscuit one while he was playing outside to buy me a few extra minutes) so I’m off to get everyone dressed, fed, and out the door to do chores.
Do you have any other tips for getting in a few minutes of God-time before you start your day? I’d love to hear them!
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by Tessa | Motherhood
I have some great posts that I want to write but my time is not my own these days. Currently my little ones are watching a show so I can type this out really quick and then head to my sewing machine to get some stuff ready for a trade fair that I’m attending this weekend. My house is in disarray, I have frozen lasagna for supper (and that’s the best supper my family has had in the last while!) and I feel like I’m running on fumes. Coffee fumes that is.
Quick update: The farm renovations are nearing completion. Another couple weeks and (Lord willing!) the barn will be ready to go. Which means that I have some more packing to do. God is really showing us His hand in things and, though His ways are hard to understand, I try to remember that He is in control and will take care of His children.
Bought a 20 book set about science and C and I started reading them as soon as they were out of the car. He is learning new words and absolutely loving the books.
Both boys are enthralled with the new kittens in the barn and are learning to be gentle with them. They are the first tame kittens we have had in quite a few years. Their mama is tame but usually she hides her kittens so we can’t tame them. I think that God knew we needed some soft, snuggly kittens in our lives right now.
Motherwort is being tinctured right now, echinacea wil be tinctured in the next couple of days, and herbal teas and vitamins are ordered. Hoping we’ll be able to make it through cold & flu season without any chemical drugs.
Care to share any of your favorite cold & flu remedies? I’d love to add some more natural methods to my arsenal!
by Tessa | Motherhood, Personal Development
I have been battling with depression for a long time. I know for sure that I was depressed at about 15 and it has been a thorn in my side ever since. Sometimes I’m winning the battle and other times I need to be reminded that the battle isn’t my own.
After a nasty bout of post partum depression last year, I wanted to share some words with those who are currently in the thick of it. I know that I have a number of friends who are there right now so this is for you:
Dear Friend,
I want you to know that you’re in my prayers. You always are (in case you didn’t know) but particularily at this moment about the emotional roller coaster that is your life right now. One thing that I used as a reminder of the light at the end of the tunnel was putting a few Bible verses on index cards and putting them in my chore card box so I could read them every day (or at least every day that I remembered to open my box!). Even if I didn’t do the chore cards, I felt better just reading my verses out loud. Here are the ones that I found regular strength and comfort in:
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8
Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgements He pronounced. 1 Chronicles 16:11-12
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
So do not fear, for I am with you; Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand. Isaiah 41:10
No matter how bad I felt, whether it was last year with my PPD or the worst year of my depression 8 years ago, I always had that Light at the end of the tunnel. The promise that this valley would end. And it will. You’re not going to just “snap out of it” and you’re not going to find a miracle cure (though if you do then you have to share with me!!!!) but you will slowly build things up again. One step at a time. Until you get to the point that you can look back and realize that it’s been a while since you had a bad day, your only goal is to survive. Like that popular poem says, “rock your babies, because babies don’t keep.”
You are a fabulous mother and your children know how much you love them. They will never forget that no matter how out of control you may feel. Breathe in, breathe out. And cry if you need to. And always remember that there is a Light. Let me know if you need help finding Him!
Love always from your friend who has been there and survived.
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