Consistency in the Service of Motherhood

Consistency in the Service of Motherhood

Consistency in the Service of Motherhood

When I originally had the idea of writing on consistency, I thought that this post would be about consistency in your mothering and discipline techniques. About following through when telling your child to do something. As I started writing, however, I was led in a completely different direction. This is about my struggle with consistency in the service of motherhood.

My mind has been cloudy lately. My body has been weary. I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy and, to be frank, I’m pretty sick of waking up to pee 2-3 times per night and having to maneuver gingerly out of bed so as not to aggravate my pelvic pain. I’m thankful that, for the last couple of weeks, Biscuit has only been up 2-3 times per night and has settled back to sleep quickly.

 

I want to be a blessing to my husband and children. I know the “to dos” to get there but I’m having a hard time getting motivated. I cannot rely on my own strength, because it so often fails me. I’m consistently inconsistent. Just when I feel like I’m getting into a good rhythm with housework, mothering, my marriage, and business, I drop the ball. What’s a person to do at that point?

 

Go back to square one.

 

Square one is to read my Bible and pray. I didn’t get my Bible reading in for a couple mornings last week. It completely threw my day off. I don’t know how much of it was the lack of the Word and focused time with God, or the lack of structure at the beginning of the day.

I want to be a blessing to my husband and children. I know the “to dos” to get there but I’m having a hard time getting motivated. I cannot rely on my own strength, because it so often fails me.

Service. Jesus came to serve and He is the example that we are to follow.

Servanthood is hard.

Especially at this point in my life, I would much rather be served than to serve. I even feel like I’m entitled to being served sometimes. I do a lot of serving and, to tell the truth, I grow weary from it. But nowhere in the Bible does it say that we are to serve with the expectation of being served back. How in the world does a person serve and sacrifice so much of herself, consistently every day, without growing weary?

You can’t. I can’t. I need to find a way to rely on God’s strength instead of my own. Because there are days when I just run out of strength.

 

Go back to the beginning.

Square one: read my Bible. Keep reading until I allow God’s strength to come into me. He will give me the strength. All I need to do is ask in faith and I shall receive. But I also have to be willing and open to receiving it.

How do I open myself up to His strength? Prayer. God’s strength is found in His Word and made perfect in my weakness. His perfect strength will see me through.

[bctt tweet=”He will give me the strength. All I need to do is ask in faith and I shall receive. But I also have to be willing and open to receiving it.”]
Lord,
Please fill me with Your strength. I can’t go on without it. I need you. I can’t do this alone. I don’t want to rely on my faltering strength. Open my heart and mind to being used by You to bless my family today. And fill me with the strength to follow through.
Amen.

Do you struggle with consistency too? How do you find the strength to consistently serve your family?

Why More Kids Is Easier

When I was pregnant with my first child, I sat down with a client that had 4 kids, with the youngest just a toddler....

10 Indoor Activities for Kids

My small farmhouse basically consists of a living room, kitchen, and a weird long room that houses bookshelves, a...

Dealing with Worries as a Mother

Fevers and illness, daring activities that lead to injuries, potential kidnappings, government interference... there...
how to enjoy your kids more

4 Tips for How to Enjoy Your Children More

Not every aspect of motherhood is enjoyable but it shouldn't all be difficult and overwhelming either. Unfortunately,...
The Explosive Child

The Explosive Child

By Ross W. Greene, Ph. D.

I didn’t even need to read the description of this book to know that it was one I needed to read. Since shortly after he was born, I have struggled to understand his communication style, love language, stressors etc. The first years of his life were filled with a lot of screaming and tears, on both of our parts. Things are much calmer now but there is still so much about this little boy that is still a mystery. So I read and analyze and practice and pray. And I take a lot of deep breaths.

I felt that this book was largely targeted at people who have less attached styles of parenting than I do. There was a lot of talk about consistency and positive encouragement as opposed to degrading and punishing. Those are great tips but what’s a mom to do when she does all of those things and is still struggling? Many of the case studies were about children with disorders but some of the ideas were still beneficial to my relationship with my high need, intense son.

Book notes:

  • these children have difficulty accessing their “hindsight file” and therefore are unable to access the information as to how they’ve handled similar problems in the past.
  • they are unskilled at recognizing the impact of their behavior on others
  • he and I need to take time to reflect on the accuracy of his interpretations, the effectiveness of a given response, or the manner in which his behavior affects others
  • provide cognitive roadmaps that help him stay rational in moment’ he is likely to become explosive (perhaps give advance warning that this situation is something that may be difficult to deal with so pre-plan a way to deal with it calmly)
  • we need him to look at us as people who can help him thing things through instead of as adversaries
  • he becomes disorganized in the midst of frustration
  • how does it feel to the child to be inflexibly explosive? (Probably frustrates him as much as it does me when he can’t maintain control)
  • flexibility and tolerance are skills that need to be learned – they come more easily to some than others
  • the consequence you administered on the back end following the last explosion must be accessible and meaningful to the child on the front end the next time he is becoming frustrated
  • kids need help accessing the file in their brain that contains the critical information or roadmap.
  • is a child resisting because he is not motivated enough of because he is incapable of maintaining the state of mind to walk through the pros and cons of compliance?
  • a disorder is how the problem may be presenting itself but it doesn’t always give indication of the precise difficulties your child is experiencing
  • in a vapour-lock situation, downshift slowly before going into reverse (otherwise you’ll blow out the transmission)
  • Basket A: important behaviors worth inducing and enduing a meltdown over: safety, things that could be harmful to your child, other people, animals, or property, and other non-negotiables. Teaches child that you are an authority figure. (Should initially be a very empty basket).
  • Basket B: Important matters but aren’t worth the meltdown. This is where you will teach your child the skills of flexibility and frustration tolerance. Most important basket. Teaches them how to engage in a give and take, staying calm in the midst of frustration, taking another person’s perspective, coming up with alternative ways to solve a problem. Tell your child, “If we disagree, I’ll let you know if I’m willing to work things out. We will try to think of good ideas.” Start with empathy to signal to your child that you understand what he wants and that you think it is a legitimate desire, and that you are his advocate rather than adversary. Then, “Let’s think of how we can work this out?”
  • Basket C: Unimportant behaviors that aren’t even worth saying anything about anymore. Eating a variety of foods, wearing mittens etc. It is different than giving in because you decide ahead of time to put it in basket C.
  • It becomes you, the parent, who is the primary determinant of whether or not he has a meltdown.
  • Phrases such as No, You must, or You can’t automatically puts it into basket A, so use very rarely.
  • The real world is a whole lot more about resolving disputes and disagreements than it is about blind adherence to authority. 
  • Sometimes basket decision making can be delayed. “I’m not yet sure if that’s negotiable or not.”
  • some children have trouble actually recognizing that they are frustrated or even experiencing things like hunger or fatigue that is leading the to frustration
  • Use rudimentary works for feelings: happy, sad, frustrated. At the end of the day ask “What made you happy? Sad? Frustrated?” Then start expanding to confused, disappointed, excited, bored, annoyed etc.
  • A child walking away our of frustration is a good comping mechanism. He doesn’t want to hurt you.
  • Keeping your child coherent in the midst of frustration is goal number one. A frustrated child needs help.
  • Why is this so hard for my child? What’s getting in his way? How can I help?
  • Sibling relations: each child needs help/attention in different areas.
  • don’t allow inaccurate inferences about each other get in between relationships.
  • Consequences not enforced detract from your credibility
  • vapour-lock commencing means “I’m stuck. I need help!”

7 Natural Teething Remedies

7 Natural Teething Remedies

7 Natural Teething Remedies - Aimed at the Heart

He is 3 months old and has started gnawing on his hands. It’s too early! We just finished 6 months ago with our last child. Here we go again!

Teeth.

Their appearance is inevitable. Necessary, yet often a dreaded part of the journey. Some babies are not affected at all by teething but, for others, it can be a very painful process that leads to a cranky household. My first son was the former. He would nap for a solid 2-3 hours, something that was otherwise unheard of with him, and wake up with a tooth. My second was up all night for weeks and crying and fussing and often had an elevated temperature so we had to pull out all the stops to help him out.

We chose to stick with alternatives to conventional medications for our children so I did some research and experimentation and found some natural teething remedies that worked.

Read the rest of this guest post at Thinking Outside the Sandbox Family about 7 Natural Teething Remedies.

R is for Revolutionize Your Parenting by Honoring Your Child’s Nature

R is for Revolutionize Your Parenting by Honoring Your Child’s Nature

Have you ever wanted a positive parenting handbook? Revolutionize your parenting by honoring your child's nature - by Aimed at the Heart

Have you been looking for a handbook that tells you exactly what your children need from you as a parent? A positive parenting handbook with practical techniques that you can implement right away? I’ve read a lot of parenting books and many of them tell you that positive parenting works better than punishing but most don’t tell you how to do it. The Child Whisperer does.

I have a close friend and, between the two of us, have four little boys within three years of each other (I’m not including my littlest in this comparison or her baby-to-be any day now). We are both passionate about mothering and read a ton of books and articles on parenting to try to understand our children and what they need from us. We try to exchange advice but what works for her kids often doesn’t work for mine and vice versa. It didn’t make any sense. If I didn’t know better, I’d say her kids are too energetic and aggressive and, if she didn’t know better, she would think my kids are too subdued and serious.

Her boys are typical “all boy” kind of kids. Loud, energetic, rambunctious, busy. Mine are the complete opposite and could be described more as quiet, sensitive, focused, detailed. Her boys run and climb all day. My boys read stories and sit on the floor playing cars all day. They are just plain different.

Through the Internet-based bunny trail, she came across a graphic (I’ll share the link later in the post) that explained our boys to a T. Actually, it explained them to their Type. I have studied a number of different methods of personality profiling and have found Energy Profiling to be the most reliable method of determining and understanding the inner workings of a person.

Here’s the cliff notes version of how the four types applies to our boys:

Type 1: The Fun Loving Child: K is 4 years old. He bounces when he walks. He has squealed with excitement since he was just a few months old. He gets super-excited when he gets to visit with friends. His interest bounces from one activity or toy to another. His emotions are the same. He bounces from excited to heartbroken to excited within the span of two minutes. He thrives in a fun and light atmosphere.

Type 2: The Sensitive Child: C is almost 6 years old. He walks so quietly that you often don’t know he’s standing right behind you. His is soft spoken and is very particular with whom he shares his thoughts. He loves long hugs and snuggles. He sometimes reads for hours a day. When he (finally) decides to clean up his toys, he will put the toys in their proper bins. He notices things that others don’t and remembers the details (like who gave him which gift when he was 3 or if the vet’s truck got new tires). A stern or angry voice can cause him to crumple and will often cry and need to be held while he sorts out his feelings. He thrives when he feels loved and connected.

Type 3: The Determined Child: D is 2.5 years old. He stomps and marches everywhere he goes. He roars just for the sake of making noise. He climbs and jumps and runs. He pushes his body to the limit and takes risks just to get his heart pumping. His emotions are explosive and he reacts quickly to whatever he is feeling and might think about the consequences of what he says and does later. He is full of fire and passion. He thrives when he can be physically active.

Type 4: The More Serious Child: Biscuit (His name starts with “I” but that just gets confusing so I’ll use his nickname instead) is 3 years old. He walks with purpose when he has a mission and allows nothing to get in his way but, if he doesn’t accept the mission laid out for him, nothing can convince him to move his feet. If someone else wants to play with him, it must be by his rules. When he gets overwhelmed around other kids, he naturally removes himself and plays independently for a while. He has the ability to focus so completely that it is difficult for him to move his attention elsewhere. He feels things intensely and does not shift through emotions easily. He thrives when he feels heard and respected.

Have you ever wanted a positive parenting handbook? Revolutionize your parenting by honoring your child's nature - by Aimed at the Heart

Does your child fall into one of those categories? Or is he/she a blend of a couple of them? Chances are that your child exhibits one of those main traits more strongly than others. If you want a little bit more information, you can view the graphic I talked about right here. While the overview graphic is great, the real meat and potatoes is in the book. Read the book with the hope to understand your children more, and walk away with practical discipline and communication techniques for your children. It if filled with tips to overcome issues that you have with them as well as understanding issues they have within themselves. There are sections explaining how to apply the knowledge of your child’s type to any stage of life you’re in, from birth to adulthood. It truly is a handbook that you’ll want to refer to time and time again.

If I could recommend that every parent read one parenting book (excluding the Bible because that is so much more than a parenting book), this is the book I would recommend. It comes in Kindle format but I would recommend the paperback because, once purchased, you can go to the website and send an email to claim bonus offers of the audio version, eBook, and a free parenting webinar and video profiling course. Last, but not least, I want you do know that I was in no way asked or compensated for this review and recommendation. I just want to share all the amazing information that I’ve learned through this process and want other parents to benefit from knowing the nature of their children. *The links in the article are affiliate links so I may make a small referral commission (at no extra cost to you) if you choose to purchase through the link.*

Q is for Queens: 5 Observations About Royal Mothers Through the Centuries

Q is for Queens: 5 Observations About Royal Mothers Through the Centuries

Queens: 5 Observations about royal mothering through the centuries - Aimed at the Heart

A few months ago I came across a movie on Netflix about Marie Antionette. I watched it and loved it. History, drama, love, politics. It had everything. Netflix recommended another movie to me about Queen Victoria. Then there was one about the Boleyn sisters, so I watched it too. Last week I went to the library for the first time since Baby Bear’s birth and decided to get a novel for myself (since I’m sitting so often to rock and/or nurse him). I saw a rather thick novel about the King Henry VIII and the Boleyn sisters. The librarian mentioned that, although it had some racy parts, it was one of her favorite novels. I’d say that’s pretty high praise from someone who works with books for a living so I checked it out.

A couple pages in and I was hooked.

There are not many things that I lack self control in but novel reading is one of them. Most of my housework was neglected as I devoured all 661 pages in four days. (Don’t worry, I did remember to feed my family and play with the kids but you don’t want to see my floors or laundry pile right now!) That’s in addition to numerous Wikipedia articles and other Tudor history websites. That naturally drifted into reading about the current British monarchy. I look at queens and princesses so differently as a mother than I did when I was a little girl. I’ll let you in on a 5 of my observations about royal mothers through the centuries:

  1. Royalty did not raise their babies. I couldn’t imagine not being able nurse my son and hold him and see him at will. Babies were handed off at a young age to wet nurses and nannies. Then sent away to school for much of their lives and usually only came back as teenagers, when they were ready to wed. Even much of the current royal family hires nannies. It is incredible to see the Duchess of Cambridge go against this trend and lean toward more of an attachment style of parenting.
  2. Girls didn’t matter. They were merely bargaining chips in the political game. The main purpose of a queen was to produce a male heir. Since I have 3 boys I can’t necessarily speak from experience, but I believe that mothers love their daughters just as much I love my sons. Aren’t you glad to live in a society that allows you to embrace your daughters as much as your sons?
  3. In the 1500s, a mother of noble blood had about a 2 month “laying in” period. They stayed in a dark and calm room for about a month before their expected delivery date and then a month after the birth and were waited on hand and foot. Sounds nice! I carried my first with no problem and could have been fine being pregnant for a while but, unfortunately, my second and third pregnancies were much tougher. It would been so nice to do nothing other than grow a baby that last month. I also completely support a “laying in” period after the baby is born. I don’t think the room needs to be dark but I do think that Mama should spend the first 40 or so days just focusing on her baby and her recovery. This is such a hard one to remember but, even with multiple children and no family around, you can make the decision to allow yourself this much-needed recovery and bonding time. Even if you have the perfect birth experience and a super mellow baby, remind yourself to take the time to just be a mom. It is such an important time in the mother-baby relationship and neglecting this time can cause so many problems when it comes to birth recovery, bonding, breastfeeding, sleep rhythms, and all the neurological and physical development that takes place in those early days.
  4. Babies were breastfed. By the mother for lower classes and a wet nurse for higher classes.  There was no other way. No other option. It never occurred to generations of old that breastfeeding wouldn’t work. Before someone jumps down my throat on this topic, please remember that this is a fact, not an opinion. This is my opinion: the most common issue with breastfeeding relationships is not a supply issue or latch issue; it’s an expectation and lack of support issue. We have options that seem easier, so people take them. If we didn’t have those options, we wouldn’t be able to take them.
  5. Children were raised in the faith of their parents. Even if their parents weren’t directly involved in raising them, parental beliefs were taught to and encouraged in the child. I have read Facebook threads and blog posts where parents boast about giving their children the right to choose what they believe. Whether they have a personal faith or not, they are proud of the fact that they give their children the opportunity to learn about all different worldviews and then accept whichever their child chooses. I’m a pretty black and white thinker so the way that I look at this is if your faith is important to you, why wouldn’t you want to impress that importance upon your children? If your faith isn’t important enough for your to teach your children and hope that they make it their own, then why do you even bother having it in the first place? If you believe it’s true, then why shouldn’t your children be taught it as truth too? If you are a Christian (which most of my current readers are), is your relationship with and belief in Christ strong enough that you will teach your children there is only One Way?

I’m working my way through the British royal history and it’s incredible to see how it directly affects my life today. An example: King Henry VIII’s desire to have Anne Boleyn as his wife resulted in England’s separation from the Pope, which opened England up to an English Bible and the Protestant Reformation. No matter your personal beliefs, that is life-altering history.

Just for fun: Here is a site with portraits of mothers and their children from the 1500s.

I’d love to hear your thoughts: Is there a time period or a certain element of history that you look at differently in your current life season than you did previously?

Make sure you don’t miss any posts in this series by subscribing to my weekly blog newsletter!
[mc4wp-form]

Pin It on Pinterest