Encouragement for Moms Who Are Overwhelmed or Discouraged: We’re All Broken

Disclosure

One of the biggest things I have learned over my years as a mother is that we are two imperfect people raising imperfect people in a world that often works against us.

This can sound like a sober realization and a hopeless proclamation but I’d like to take the opportunity to explain why it is actually a huge encouragement for moms who are overwhelmed or discouraged or who just feel like God made a mistake when He made them responsible for such tiny creatures.

encouragement for moms who are overwhelmed and discouraged. we're all broken

We were not designed to be broken. Our world, our bodies, our souls, were created to be pure and in perfect harmony with the Creator. A phrase I was taught at a youth retreat a couple decades ago is that “God doesn’t make mistakes.”

He didn’t make a mistake when he made you a mother. On the contrary, He gave you the exact children that you were meant to have, in the exact amount, and with the exact personalities He wanted for them. None of them were accidentally put into your heart, home, and family.

That is one aspect of this concept. The next is the acceptance that we will never be able to raise perfect children. We all have our own childhood issues from when our parents raised us that we need to deal with, some are more traumatic and some affects us less but they are all part of our story and who we are today. Our children will also be affected by their childhood, for better or worse.

I have met amazing parents whose teenage and adult children chose to follow dangerous or heartbreaking paths. I have met parents who neglected or abused their children whose children found healing and hope and have gone on to become incredibly stable and hope-filled adults.

Does this mean that parenting doesn’t matter? Absolutely not. When children grow up with a stable, consistent, and loving caregiver, they always remember what security and safety feel like, no matter the direction they take in life.

Down to our very soul, God made us in His image to be amazing and world impacting people. His original design and desire for us is to worship Him in wholeness.

Down to our very soul, God made us in His image to be amazing and world impacting people. His original design and desire for us is to worship Him in wholeness. Unfortunately we are attacked on a daily basis by the broken world we live in. We believe the lies that tell us we’re not good enough. That we are worthless because we don’t measure up to an arbitrary standard or because we are terrible sinners.

I will admit that I am not a thorough housekeeper. I don’t enjoy it and often do just the minimum to keep my house respectable. After 15 years of keeping my own house, I still haven’t found a way to actually enjoy it. (I’m guessing many of you can relate.) Does this make me any less of a person? Not in the slightest. We would never say that someone is worth less because they can’t manage to keep all the laundry cleaned, folded, and put away! Some days it is a struggle just to keep it all in the house! (Please tell me my kids are not the only ones who leave socks, shirts, and muddy jeans outside under the swing set.)

What you do (or do not do) does not define who you are.

Whether you struggle with minor things like math or laundry, or with more life-altering habits and sins, what you do does not change the fact that God did not mess up on you. The devil’s trick is to make you believe the lie that you are not enough. It is the same lie he will tell your children through their lives.

Do you remember when you first looked on your child? Born into this world and full of beauty and innocence. Potential. Wholeness.

All of that is still there.

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As someone who is constantly battling the devil whispering in my ear and telling me that I’m not good enough, as someone who has been pushed down and trampled on by brokenness too many times to count, I can still confidently say that the world may break me but God still owns me. He is still the foundation, the core, that I am built on. And He keeps rebuilding me. I beg Him regularly to keep rebuilding me.

That same core is built into you and your children. We would never say there is such thing a worth more or worth less when it comes to our children so why do we believe the lie that there is such a thing when it comes to God’s children?

Knowing this lie will attack our children, are there any measures we can take to prepare them?

The number one thing we can do as parents is to fill up our hearts with so much Truth and Love, to allow ourselves to accept that we are broken but can be built up, that it can’t help but spill over into our children. They need us to fill them up with so much of God’s perfect Love that they can reject the lie that will be whispered to them, shoved at them, and sometimes even shouted from the rooftops, throughout their lives.

No matter what way I look at this parenting gig, it always cycles back to my childhood song of “read your Bible, pray every day.” Always back to starting with good, faith building habits.

“We’re all broken but we’re all in this together.

God knows we stumble and fall,

But He so loved the world He sent His son to save us all.”

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How to Become an Ideal Mother: Is it Possible?

by Tessa | Motherhood

How to Become an Ideal Mother: Is it Possible?

Disclosure

I have been working on establishing the same morning routine with my kids for 6 years.

I can’t remember where I saw the high 5 idea first but I looked back in my photos recently and saw a picture of my now 11 year old in front of the high 5 poster we still use today. Except he was 5 in the picture.

I have always said that consistency in motherhood is challenging for me. I am starting to believe that may not be the case.

Encouragement for mothers who feel overwhelmed by motherhood and like they'll never measure up. You were made for this!

6 years of pushing for the same routine (that still doesn’t happen every day or without a decent amount of prodding from me) is kind of the definition of consistency. Or maybe it is closer to persistence.

Persistent motherhood.

Maybe you have changed up your routines every few months trying to find something that works. You’re still persisting. Trying, even if you don’t see massive success is still trying.

I have been watching videos and reading books lately about re-framing your limiting beliefs and mindset. This isn’t a new concept by any means. I learned about this process years ago, before I had kids and was working in a fast paced financial services company. Re-framing and visualization and positive self talk are things used in the business world all the time.

I have also learned a bit about cognitive behavioral therapy in order to understand and work through some of my depression and anxiety issues. Add to that using ideas of positive parenting for raising my children.

But re-framing myself as a mother is something that I have just recently started exploring.

I think that we, as mothers, are very hard on ourselves. I know many mothers compare themselves to others, whether on social media or their friends or even their own mothers. We have this ideal for what a mother should be like and do and how she should interact with the kids, keep her house, and love her husband.

I think it is pretty common knowledge that positive self talk and affirmations are good for our minds. (If it’s not something you’re familiar with, please let me know and I can go into more detail about how and why this works.) So why not apply this to myself (or yourself) as a mother?

A mother should be consistent in her homemaking routines and the discipline of her children.

A mother should be patient with listening to her children and in her reactions to their misbehavior.

A mother should encourage her children and use positive parenting techniques to build their character and self worth.

A mother’s home and schedule should be organized to provide a peaceful environment for her family and allow for the best use of her time.

A mother should be energetic enough to accomplish her tasks, teach her children their routines, and still have energy to devote to her marriage and her own passions.

Do any of those sound like thoughts you have had? Those are some of the expectations that I have for myself. The ideal mother.

My children and husband would be quick to point out that I don’t fit those descriptions very well. I’m inclined to agree.

But what if they’re wrong? What if I’m wrong?

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What I mean is, what if that mother is inside of me, just figuring out how to make herself known? This is where re-framing coming in. There are some skills I need to learn and practice but why couldn’t I become this kind of mother? There are many moms with different personalities who are achieving the basics of ideals. Why not me?

God didn’t make me any less of a person. Sure, I have different challenges that many of you won’t have (depression, my husband’s heavy work load, health related energy issues, large family in a small house, low income, homeschooling, etc) but God allowed each of those challenges into my life so He knows about them.

I can’t remember where I heard it first but we can see throughout scripture that God does not call the equipped. In fact, the people He uses in some big ways also have major struggles against sin (Abraham) and temptation (King David) and their flesh (Paul).

God equips the called.

He has called me to be a mother. He has put some of those ideals and desires into my heart. How could I ever think He would leave me alone to struggle through this journey?

I AM a mother who is consistent, patient, encouraging, organized, and energetic, even if I’m still a work in progress.

Who do you want to become? What are you doing to get there? Comment below with some of the ideals that you feel are inside you and waiting to come to fruition.

If you want some guidance in how to work toward these ideals, be sure to sign up for my weekly post summary for regular encouragement and get a free printable guide that will help you choose and follow through on life changing habits!

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Raising Men, Not Boys: Chores

by Tessa | Motherhood

Raising Men, Not Boys: Chores

Disclosure

I often remind my boys (and myself) that I am raising men, not boys. I have asked them what kind of men they want to grow into and they tell me they want to be hard working and Godly.

I admit to leading their answers a bit there.

But this basically gives me permission to train them in such a way so they can become the men that they, and I, desire them to be.

We talk about what God desires from them: kindness, selflessness, helpfulness, the ability to protect and provide for a family. They want to be good fathers who listen to and play with their kids.

Tip: if they say they want to grow into men who sit on the couch and play video games all day, ask them how they plan to pay for that house and couch and video games. They will need to have some marketable skills in order to pay for living expenses and lifestyle so you can use that as a jumping off point. Even if they don’t want responsibilities, there will always be a minimal amount required just to get by.

I remind them of these goals of theirs when they don’t want to help out in the house. We talk about how the home is a place for teamwork and that we need to take care of the blessings God has provided us but we also discuss regularly about how the home is the training ground for learning how to become hardworking and Godly. If they can’t learn to accomplish a household task well and consistently, they will not be able to accomplish an out of home work task well and consistently. The place to learn how to follow directions is at home so when they get a job they will be able to follow the direction of their boss to do their job well.

If they learn to do slack off on a job in the home, under the care of a mother whom they love and home they should take pride in, how much more likely will it be that they carry that attitude into the workplace in the future?

We also have the added bonus of farm chores. As a full time dairy farm, there is always work to be done. Cows need to be fed several times a day, stalls scraped, equipment maintained and repaired. We have a lot of moving machinery and vehicles in and out of the yard daily. Unlike the old homestead days, our farmyard is not a safe place for children to play. It is an active worksite so we have strict safety rules surrounding it. The biggest one being that the kids play on the lawn or in the house. Barns and heavy equipment are not playgrounds and jungle gyms.

This means that barn chores are something that are a sign of responsibility and maturity. Because the feed needs to be pushed up every day, even when you don’t feel like it, you need to prove that you can be committed to your home care tasks before we can trust you with a barn task. You need to show Mom you can be consistent and thorough before you can get permission to add a barn chore to your rotation.

Yes, you read that right: barn chores are a reward and privilege.

Most people reading this will not have barn chores but I’m sure you can think of some household tasks that require more skill and trust to accomplish. We naturally give older kids higher skill level tasks as they prove their abilities. Many websites have great lists of age appropriate tasks that you can “graduate” your children to as they prove capable and willing.

[bctt tweet=”Even Jesus believed if He could trust someone with little, they would be given little but if He can trust someone with more, more will be given.”]

I think of the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30. Even Jesus believed if He could trust someone with little, they would be given little but if He can trust someone with more, more will be given. I apply this mentality to the boys’ upbringing and want them to become trustworthy with the small tasks so, when they grow, God will be able to use them for great things.

Caveat: They still fight me about chores on many days. They don’t get that from a stranger as I fight myself on my chores many days too. On those days, I try to go back to reviewing motivations and lots of prayer. And some days we just say “the house looks reasonable so let’s take a day off.”

If you want to read some more on this topic. Kim from Not Consumed has a great post with 5 Easy Steps for Teaching Responsibility to Your Kids.

Have you ever looked at chores as a privilege rather than just a responsibility or a nuisance? How do you think that mindset change could affect your children?

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Newborn Survival Phase: 4 Things Large Family Moms Know

by Tessa | Motherhood

Newborn Survival Phase: 4 Things Large Family Moms Know

Disclosure

We are expecting our fifth child.

This means we have been through the newborn survival phase 4 times and have chosen to enter it again.

My body goes through nausea, weight gain, and incredible expansion.

Nights are spent nursing and comforting a baby instead of sleeping or cuddling with my husband.

Days are filled with diapers and rocking.

4 Things Large Family Moms Know about the newborn survival phase of motherhood

Newborns throw off any semblance of routine developed for my family. They push self care to the back burner for a time as even something as simple going to the bathroom or taking a shower requires a whole lot of organization and perfect timing.

Everything gets reset to accommodate this new little person and his or her needs.

I understand that many people don’t want to go through this phase again and the love the “freedom” of closing the door to their baby bearing years. I understand that some babies require so much more care than others and the thought of going through another newborn survival phase sends shivers of dread up your spine. I have been there and understand completely.

And yet…

My body, just like yours, is designed to bear babies. Our bodies are designed for interrupted sleep. They are designed to blow up and share its nutrients with a growing little being. Our families are designed to have their routines turned upside down to accommodate someone with less capability to adapt than them.

The newborn survival phase is normal.

While a baby is designed to be in this phase temporarily, our bodies are designed to be in it for a few decades. Why would God design women that way without also equipping them and their families to go through it multiple times?

The newborn survival phase is normal.

I started reading large family blogs early on in my mothering journey. I figured if anyone has the mothering-homemaking juggle figured out it’s them, right? Now while these women are so humble and would never admit to having it all figured out, there are certain things I’ve picked up on that they DO understand:

1. Having kids is normal. People have been doing it since the beginning of time and it doesn’t take a special person to be a mom of many.

2. The cyclical nature of the women’s body during child bearing years is normal. It is, rather, abnormal to choose to stop this process within our bodies. (Please note I say this without judgement for whatever choice women make in this regard. I’m speaking specifically from a physical and scientific standpoint here.)

3. Every baby is a welcome blessing into the family. The rest of the children pick up on the wonder of a new sibling and often take the opportunity to prove their “biggness” by helping out more, whether that be with sib-care, home care, or just being more empathetic to the fact that mama and baby need a little more patience and TLC. Children in larger families learn to give of themselves out of necessity.

4. The housekeeping will wait. The kids will be fed. Everything does fall into place, albeit not perfectly or immediately. But you do find new rhythms or work back into old ones. The world does not fall apart with a new baby.

When I was pregnant with our first, I had several moms of 4 or more tell me that the first one rocks your world, the 2nd explodes it, the third feels like you’re truly outnumbered and the 4th just glides into place. Anything above 4 you barely notice.

While I have seen examples close to me that have had fairly different experiences (like the mom of two 2 and under who found herself pregnant with twins, or the mom who discovered a child had special needs only to be expecting another right as they adjust to the diagnosis) but it holds pretty true with the vast majority of people I speak with.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive enough to believe this 5th baby will truly slip in unnoticed. I have had 2 high needs babies (one of whom could scream at decibel levels I have never yet heard another child reach). I have friends who had major complications with and after birth, or those who’s precious babies have life altering medical diagnosis. I have even watched several friends suffer the loss of their child.

But I trust that, in spite of all the variables, God will sustain me through another newborn survival phase and anything that comes from it. I welcome the “reset” so that not only am I humbled again by the awe of a new little creation, but now I have even more children to share in the admiration (and care).

So as I wait for this newest little one to arrive, why don’t you pop on over to something I wrote way back in 2009, when my not 11yo was only 1.5 to learn why Commitment to a Newborn is Worth It. You’ll also want to follow me on Twitter or Instagram and plug in your email below because that’s where you’ll first hear about the BIG NEWS when he or she makes his or her appearance and I begin sharing our (planned) home water birth details.

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Unexpected Pregnancy and Unassisted Birth

by Tessa | Motherhood

Unexpected Pregnancy and Unassisted Birth

Disclosure

This is a story about my experience with unassisted pregnancy and unassisted birth. But in order to do his story justice, I need to start months before he was even conceived.

Right after my 3rd son turned two, I became pregnant. We were overjoyed as we had always wanted 4 children. We choose to keep my pregnancies secret for the first 3 months and this time was no different.

Actually, it was different. I didn’t have morning sickness or first trimester fatigue. After being sick for 7 or 8 months with my previous two pregnancies, the healthy feeling was a welcome relief. I had spent the previous two years making big changes to improve my health and I guess it helped. I called the midwife and she had an opening and was excited to take me on. there was no midwife in the area for my previous pregnancy so I had no choice but to have an unassisted birth. I felt the baby move at about 9 weeks, around the same time as his or her older brothers. It was a surreal feeling to have no morning sickness. If it wasn’t for the movement I regularly felt, I wouldn’t have believed I was even expecting. I had a pattern of a miscarriage before healthy pregnancy with my first two and, when I conceived my third son, God told me to trust Him and I felt secure in the pregnancy. That was the first time I didn’t have a miscarriage. This time I felt like He was just telling me to wait on Him.

This time I felt like He was just telling me to wait on Him.

And wait I did. I believe my heart always knew that that baby wouldn’t be with us for a long time. Around 9.5 weeks I had a bit of spotting and it started to feel like a waiting game. I waited on Him and I waited to say goodbye. I miscarried the baby at almost 11 weeks. After my first two miscarriages, I conceived on the next cycle but this time was different. Cycle after cycle came and went with nothing. Apparently God wanted me to continue waiting. Eventually I made peace with the fact it could be God’s will for us to have 3 biological children instead of 4.

After 6 pregnancies conceived after 1 try, pregnancy number 7 was an unexpected surprise after 6 months of waiting. As excited as we were, I still had that surreal feeling. I called the midwife and she was unavailable during the time I was due so I had to start wrapping my head around another unassisted pregnancy and birth. I didn’t have morning sickness. I still hadn’t felt the baby move at 10 weeks. And then not at 11 weeks. I didn’t feel pregnant. Maybe I wasn’t really willing to believe I was, just in case. The midwife, who had become a friend, was able to get me booked in for an ultrasound, as per my request, which is something I hadn’t wanted for my previous pregnancies. At 12 weeks, the day before the ultrasound. I thought I may have felt the baby move. Thankfully the ultrasound technician confirmed what my husband already trusted to be true: we were going to have a baby!

.I experienced only two weeks of morning sickness, from week 14 to 16. Though my uterus got huge (people commented how I must be excited for my Christmas baby and were shocked and embarrassed when I told them I was only 5.5 months) I didn’t have any water retention and didn’t feel like I gained as much weight as my previous children. (For the record, I did. I just carried it differently. I gained over 70lbs each pregnancy.)

I hired a doula who I met when she and I both attended my friend’s birth. She seemed a bit unsure about an unassisted pregnancy and birth but, as she got to know me better, became more comfortable with the idea. We exchanged birth resources (I have quite a home library) and swapped pregnancy and birth advice. She came to pray for me and encourage me when I ended up in the hospital at 35 weeks. (This was for a non pregnancy related incident. You can read a bit more about this experience in a post I wrote about How to Deal With Anxiety.)

I sent her a text a few weeks before my due date to let her know I had been having fairly strong pre labour contractions every evening for a week. I kept thinking, hoping, I would wake up to have a baby but they always stopped when I went to sleep. It was very similar to my first three experiences of prelabour: 3 days for my first, 5 days for my second, and 8 days for my third.

The week after I had nothing. I hoped for an early birth because I get SPD (symphisis pubis dysfunctions is a separation of the pelvic bone due to the relaxin hormone that helps your body give birth) pretty bad near the end and spent most of my day sitting on my couch so I didn’t injure myself. After 5 days of no prelabour, I figured God wanted me to keep waiting. I made peace with the fact that it would be another two weeks before I could meet my baby and be done with the SPD pain. That was Thursday morning. My doula let me know she wanted to head to the city on Friday (a drive of more than 2 hours one way) and I joked with her about bringing back 3 or 4 Ikea bookcases for me.

That evening I went to bed and snuggled with my 3 year old. I cherished his nighttime snuggles, knowing it was nearing his daddy’s turn to take over his night-time needs. He curled up around my belly and I breathed in the fresh scent of his dirt and grass infused hair.

I woke up around 4:30am to go to the bathroom. (I don’t think I mentioned another symptom I didn’t have was a baby sitting on my bladder so nighttime potty breaks weren’t a regular occurance.) Our bathroom is down the stairs and on the other end of the house so, after traipsing through the cold house, I was very ready to crawl back into my nice warm bed. I was nearly asleep again when I got what felt like a contraction. I checked the clock (it was 5am) and started timing. 6 to 7 minutes apart. I started 2 minutes apart with my third son so I figured I had lots of time but, after 3 or 4 contractions, I realized I couldn’t sleep through them. Poked my husband and told him he wouldn’t be going to work because we were going to have a baby. He mumbled and I headed downstairs. I started my contraction timer app and noticed that walking downstairs had shortened the interval to 2 to 3 minutes. I shouted up the stairs to Adam to get the pool ready and sent a text to my doula. She didn’t respond so I waited until a contraction was done and called to let her know she should probably reschedule her trip to the city. It was pretty close to 6am at this point and she was getting up anyway and lives less than ten minutes away. She came in the door and was surprised by how far into active labour I already was.

Adam was heating water on the stove and filling the pool. I was so concerned about the pool because it had a leak and I was convinced he hadn’t taped it up well enough. The hose also didn’t fit on our faucet so I was concerned about the water spraying all over the kitchen. My doula got right to work and held my hips and rubbed my back in a way that calmed me. We were joking around in between contractions and Adam was making fun of me for being so obsessed with the pool issue (that according to him wasn’t an issue at all).

Jesse, the 3 year old, came down the stairs first. He was some great comedic relief as he jumped on the mini trampoline beside me like a bouncy little energizer bunny. I love how he asked why the pool was downstairs and we told him the baby was coming and he just went with the flow. Birth is not something that kids naturally fear. Caleb and Isaac, almost-9 and 6, came downstairs right after I got into the pool. They were so quiet but so excited to see me in the pool and knew that the baby would be out soon. I thought they were quietly excited anyway. Apparently they were making fun of the noises I was making. (I’m a pretty vocal birther). Jesse was holding my cup of water and made sure to offer it every time I looked up at him. My doula was holding my hand. Adam was telling the boys to be more polite and keeping track of the water temperature and level.

So that is what the rest of them were up to while I did my thing. I am always surprised by how coherent I am, even during the final stages of labour. I laboured in the pool for a while and gave myself pep talks about how I could do this and to breathe the baby down in between contractions. During contractions I would say, out loud so everyone could hear, about how it wasn’t working and that I just wanted to be done and that I was taking too long and things didn’t seem to be progressing.

During pushing contractions my inner pep talks all but stopped as I tried to figure out why the baby wasn’t out yet and why it was taking so long. I quickly discovered the baby wasn’t in a good birthing position and I went from hands and knees to upright on my knees. He immediately went from being pushed backwards to going forwards and crowning . I told them all I didn’t know what way he was going to go, behind me where someone else would have to catch him or forward where I could grab him.

His head came out and I felt something very soft and squishy. During pregnancy I had thought he might be breech so I wondered if that was confirmation. Then I felt his eye and breathed a quick sigh of relief, knowing his head was out and the hardest push was done. It felt like ages until the next contraction came and his little body came sliding out into my waiting hands. He opened his eyes and looked straight at me the instant he was out of the water. He has been awake and moving all during labour and was totally ready to greet the world. I kept saying, “he’s MY baby!” The emphasis on “my” because he is the first of my sons that I see myself in. It felt like a little me looking back at me. He looked over my shoulder at his brothers and I said to Jesse, “he sees you.” My husband was in disbelief and asked, “it’s another boy?” That was when I realized I didnt actually know and should probably check. Sure enough, he was all boy.

Since the day my husband and I started talking about having children, we wanted 4. I always said I would rather have 4 boys than 4 girls and, over the years, my heart grew more and more fond of the idea of 4 sons. With Asher, which means “happy” in Hebrew, I felt like my heart would burst with joy at my dream coming true. He is now over a month old and I still spend most of my day on the couch, snuggling a sleeping baby or starting into the eyes of a very attentive newborn. People have asked if I’m disappointed to have only sons. I tell them I couldn’t be more happy.

A positive unassisted home water birth story

Asher was born at 7:28am and was 7lbs and 18.5 inches long. What felt like a long labour was only about 2.5 hours with only 6 pushing contractions. I thank the Lord that everything went so smoothly!

If you would like to read about my third son’s birth, it was my first unassisted pregnancy and unassisted birth and truly a spiritual birth experience.