by Tessa | Faith, Motherhood
If you haven’t heard of The 5 Love Languages
, I highly recommend getting the book and reading it. Understanding that different people communicate love in different ways can be a real revelation. It can often feel like your efforts are going unnoticed because you are comminucating in your own love language instead of in his love language. This means that you could be bending over backward to show someone you love them but they are still feeling empty because you are on different pages with what you need. Knowing what your husband needs can also help you figure out some free and simple ways to show love to him, not just on Valentine’s Day, but all year round.
My love language is quality time. This means that I see and noticed when my husband helps around the house, and I appreciate his help, but it doesn’t necessarily fill up my “love tank.” He could tell me all day how much he loves me and sweep me into his wonderfully secure bear hugs, but that’s not what fills my tank. In order for me to feel loved, I need him to sit and talk with me. I want to do something face-to-face. One of my favorite things to do is go for a drive with him and just talk. It’s great for both of us to know this about me so we can plan for regular chats. (I do know that sitting in the car isn’t actually face-to-face but a drive usually results in quality conversation, even though we’re sitting side-by-side).
My husband is a little more complicated. He’s taken the quizzes and I have read chunks of the book to him but we’re still unsure of his primary love language. We know which language doesn’t communicate as well to him (gifts is lowest on both of our scales) but the other 4 are pretty even across the board for him. This used to bother me because my life would be so much easier if I had this information. Until I devised a plan to show him love in the way that he needed, no matter what. So here’s my simple plan: show him love in each language. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of a planner and I love my schedule. Here’s my weekly layout with some simple ways to show love in 5 love languages:
Monday: Act of service. Keeping it simple, this means that I will make his iced tea or coffee for him, dust his computer desk, or put away his laundry. All things that he normally does so it’s a nice little surprise for him when he comes in and it’s already done.
Tuesday: Physical touch. I make an extra effort to hug him, rub his back, or pat his butt when I walk past him.
Wednesday: Words of Encouragement. Leave a sticky note on his computer with some encouragement or I’ll simply tell (or text) him during the day to let him know of something specific that I appreciate about him or am proud of him for. For example: You are an amazing father and I love how you play with the boys before bed. Thank you for working hard in the cold to provide for our family. You give the best hugs and they make me feel so warm and secure.
Thursday: Gift. I don’t buy him a gift every Thursday but, every once in a while, I’ll pull out a special bag of chips or ice cream or sesame snaps that I bought on Tuesday during my grocery trip. Lip balm and hot chocolate in the winter or iced cappuccino in the summer. Sometimes the boys and I will make him a craft or paint a picture for him. Every once in a while I get to surprise him with a bigger ticket item (like a new headset for his phone), though I don’t usually wait until Thursday to give bigger items to him. Putting “gifts” on Thursday is often more of a reminder to me that this is one way to communicate love to him and allows me to plan for the future.
Friday: Quality time. We often open with me catching up on what his week has been like but his quality time looks different than mine. Because I’m a woman, I like face-to-face quality time and he, as a man, like side-by-side time. So we will watch a movie or play a video game together.
It is so rewarding to do something extra each day to show my husband I love him. I follow this rather loosely and hopefully it’s obvious to you that I show him love throughout the week (and weekend) in various ways. But this little schedule is a helpful reminder that love is communicated in more than one way and it is my job to make sure that I’m communicating in a language that he understands.
Is there a specific way that you communicate love to your husband? Is it in your love language or in his?
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by Tessa | Motherhood
The unschooling process starts whenever there is an observation.
We have a lilac bush right in front of our back deck. I can’t see anything on the other side of it and I plan to chop it down and trim it or move it this spring. But, for now it sits there, as pretty much the only thing we can see out of our deck door.
The sparrows love our bush. And C loves the sparrows. We hung up a simple bird feeder the other day and have been watching the birds extra closely to see if they eat it. I asked him to grab his bird book so he could identify them. He instantly found that they looked like the birds in the sparrow section. It was tough to see the details to be able to identify the type of sparrow more specifically so I grabbed my camera and took a few photos.
We noticed that there are different kind of sparrows in the bush. So we looked through the book and then grabbed a computer and Googled “types of sparrows.” We looked through a ton of photos online and compared with the ones that I had taken. We talked about the beak colors, crown, eyes, chest and tail. It was great to go through the details and show my boys how many different types of sparrows there are and how they are all different.
Then I got the song “His Eye is on the Sparrow” stuck in my head so I sang it to the boys. It gave me the opportunity to talk to them about Matthew 10:29-31 that talks about how God notices a sparrow fall from the tree, how much more does he know and notice you. So many sparrows just in our bush, yet God knows each and every one of them. I played the song through on the piano a couple times, which made C want to play for a bit. I have a couple lessons books that he likes to try, with some assistance. So he played on and practiced the piano for a while before he came back to the sparrows. By that point, I had printed off some coloring pages, a few of which had some key words (such as Nest, Egg, Sparrow, Seed) for C to learn.
Subjects covered: Science (animal anatomy, diet, and habitat), research skills, music, Bible, reading, coloring and photography. (Did I miss any?)
The unschooling process doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, it’s a lot simpler than people think. Even families who don’t unschool follow the unschooling process in their day-to-day lives. It starts with an observation, which leads to a question, which opens the door to exploring for answers.
What questions have you answered lately for your child that led you down a wonderful path of exploration?
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by Tessa | Book Notes
Have you been looking for a handbook that tells you exactly what your children need from you as a parent? A positive parenting handbook with practical techniques that you can implement right away? I’ve read a lot of parenting books and many of them tell you that positive parenting works better than punishing but most don’t tell you how to do it. The Child Whisperer
does.
I have a close friend and, between the two of us, have four little boys within three years of each other (I’m not including my littlest in this comparison or her baby-to-be any day now). We are both passionate about mothering and read a ton of books and articles on parenting to try to understand our children and what they need from us. We try to exchange advice but what works for her kids often doesn’t work for mine and vice versa. It didn’t make any sense. If I didn’t know better, I’d say her kids are too energetic and aggressive and, if she didn’t know better, she would think my kids are too subdued and serious.
Her boys are typical “all boy” kind of kids. Loud, energetic, rambunctious, busy. Mine are the complete opposite and could be described more as quiet, sensitive, focused, detailed. Her boys run and climb all day. My boys read stories and sit on the floor playing cars all day. They are just plain different.
Through the Internet-based bunny trail, she came across a graphic (I’ll share the link later in the post) that explained our boys to a T. Actually, it explained them to their Type. I have studied a number of different methods of personality profiling and have found Energy Profiling to be the most reliable method of determining and understanding the inner workings of a person.
Here’s the cliff notes version of how the four types applies to our boys:
Type 1: The Fun Loving Child: K is 4 years old. He bounces when he walks. He has squealed with excitement since he was just a few months old. He gets super-excited when he gets to visit with friends. His interest bounces from one activity or toy to another. His emotions are the same. He bounces from excited to heartbroken to excited within the span of two minutes. He thrives in a fun and light atmosphere.
Type 2: The Sensitive Child: C is almost 6 years old. He walks so quietly that you often don’t know he’s standing right behind you. His is soft spoken and is very particular with whom he shares his thoughts. He loves long hugs and snuggles. He sometimes reads for hours a day. When he (finally) decides to clean up his toys, he will put the toys in their proper bins. He notices things that others don’t and remembers the details (like who gave him which gift when he was 3 or if the vet’s truck got new tires). A stern or angry voice can cause him to crumple and will often cry and need to be held while he sorts out his feelings. He thrives when he feels loved and connected.
Type 3: The Determined Child: D is 2.5 years old. He stomps and marches everywhere he goes. He roars just for the sake of making noise. He climbs and jumps and runs. He pushes his body to the limit and takes risks just to get his heart pumping. His emotions are explosive and he reacts quickly to whatever he is feeling and might think about the consequences of what he says and does later. He is full of fire and passion. He thrives when he can be physically active.
Type 4: The More Serious Child: Biscuit (His name starts with “I” but that just gets confusing so I’ll use his nickname instead) is 3 years old. He walks with purpose when he has a mission and allows nothing to get in his way but, if he doesn’t accept the mission laid out for him, nothing can convince him to move his feet. If someone else wants to play with him, it must be by his rules. When he gets overwhelmed around other kids, he naturally removes himself and plays independently for a while. He has the ability to focus so completely that it is difficult for him to move his attention elsewhere. He feels things intensely and does not shift through emotions easily. He thrives when he feels heard and respected.
Does your child fall into one of those categories? Or is he/she a blend of a couple of them? Chances are that your child exhibits one of those main traits more strongly than others. If you want a little bit more information, you can view the graphic I talked about right here. While the overview graphic is great, the real meat and potatoes is in the book. Read the book with the hope to understand your children more, and walk away with practical discipline and communication techniques for your children. It if filled with tips to overcome issues that you have with them as well as understanding issues they have within themselves. There are sections explaining how to apply the knowledge of your child’s type to any stage of life you’re in, from birth to adulthood. It truly is a handbook that you’ll want to refer to time and time again.
If I could recommend that every parent read one parenting book (excluding the Bible because that is so much more than a parenting book), this is the book I would recommend. It comes in Kindle format but I would recommend the paperback because, once purchased, you can go to the website and send an email to claim bonus offers of the audio version, eBook, and a free parenting webinar and video profiling course. Last, but not least, I want you do know that I was in no way asked or compensated for this review and recommendation. I just want to share all the amazing information that I’ve learned through this process and want other parents to benefit from knowing the nature of their children. *The links in the article are affiliate links so I may make a small referral commission (at no extra cost to you) if you choose to purchase through the link.*
by Tessa | Personal Development
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate link which means if you purchase something by clicking on the link, I get a small referral commission, at no cost to you.
Back in December I let you know about a Goals Blogging link up that I’m involved in and shared a bit about the process I used to make my life plan. I don’t normally share my goals because I feel they are very personal, but I know how much I benefit from reading what other people are (or are not) accomplishing in their lives so I thought it beneficial to share my progress with you this year.
Without further ado, I’ll jump right in:
Faith:
Bible in one year: keeping up with this one. I usually read between 5-6am when Baby Bear has his waking time.
In depth book study: I want to study Ephesians and James in more detail this year but haven’t made the time to even begin reading them. Adding it to my “to do” list and I’ll start my first read through of Ephesians next week.
Focused Daily prayer time: I have been partially doing this one during my morning quiet/Baby Bear awake time, after reading my daily Bible passage. But I think I would like to make a more specific prayer prompter.
Wife:
Monthly “out” date: We actually had our date last night. A late dinner while a friend watched our sleeping older children. It was great to be out with him but I think that, for February, we will go somewhere a little more quiet.
Doing something together: We have been learning about Queens of old through reading and watching biographical movies. It might not sound fun to everyone but it’s been a great bonding experience for us to talk about historical politics and lifestyles.
Kiss daily: Most days I do this. There are days when we barely see each other and I need to make it more of a priority on those busy days.
Mother:
Play: I have chosen to give up my best housework hours of the morning and spend that time playing with my kids instead. We have read countless stories, played playdough, done paper crafts, raced cars, gone for farm walks, and more. I’ve never been much of “playful” mother but it has blessed them to have my focused attention for that time and it has reminded me that it’s okay to “let down my hair” once in a while, so to speak.
Their faith: We forgot to read the Bible at dinner for a couple weeks but have started that up again. I bought The Narrated Bible in Chronological Order (NIV)
as a family Christmas gift and we read a chunk every night after dinner. Still working on making it a firm habit but we’ve read as a family more often this month that we did all last year. I have never read the Bible in chronological order before and it’s such a different experience.
Homemaker:
Housekeeping: This is tough with a little one who takes much of my time and attention but the house is livable and we have food and clean clothes. My goal for the year is to get back into my regular cleaning rhythm. I have all my routines typed up and, at this point, am focusing on completing my Monday tasks consistently every week.
Food: We stuck to our goal of not eating out (except our date last night) so I’m planning an evening of freezer cooking for sometime in February. I also want to make bread and homemade yogurt once a month and accomplished both of those.
Project: Last month was kids’ clothes and a friend came over to help me power through the mountain and sort them all into storage bins. February’s project will be to set up and use a digital organization system. I bought an instructional book, called Paperless Home Organization: How to Create A Digital Home Management Binder
that I’m working through and, so far, it’s great. By the end of February I should have my email inboxes, Evernote, and calendar organized.
Hobbies/Blog/Personal:
Reading: I have started keeping track of the books I’ve read and have a goal to read two non-fiction books per month and one fiction. I’m currently exceeding that goal because I sit to nurse or rock so often. I just keep my tablet and ereader beside the rocking chair.
Writing: My goal is to create a daily writing habit. So far I’m writing about 2-3 times per week so I’m halfway there.
Website: One “tweak” per month. In January I updated my “About Me” page and keep your eyes open for my February tweak of a new header.
Blog: Continue guest posting at TOTS Family and consistently post once per week. I hope to increase my personal posting frequency but, in this season of my life, it just isn’t realistic. So, for now, I’ll post once per week with the occasional “wild card” thrown in.
Plan to plan: Take an hour each week away from the kids to plan and prepare for the upcoming week. This could be a simple sanity saver for me but I just haven’t been doing it. I have just added it to my calendar (that syncs with my husband’s) and even added a reminder so both my phone and tablet will let me know to actually do it.
Quiet time: As an introvert, I crave quiet. I have moments when my house is quiet but it is very rare that my mind is quiet. I am trying to make a habit to take just a minute or two of outer and inner quiet during the day. I did this several times over the last month but need to make it a regular part of my daily routine.
Health: My goal to drink more water has been going well but my goal to eat a piece of fruit every day is not. I don’t naturally eat fruit in the winter so I’m going to continue working on this habit.
A couple things that I have yet to do for January that will get bumped to next week: get money out of the bank for church donation, and do some research on exercises to strengthen my core and hopefully eliminate my back issues this year.
If you have written a post on your goals, share your post by linking up. Grab the button and put it on your post to help spread the word and let’s help each other stay accountable. This linky party goes up the last Friday of the month and stays open for a few weeks. So feel free to link up or le me know in the comments how you are doing with your goals this year!
by Tessa | Motherhood
A few months ago I came across a movie on Netflix about Marie Antionette. I watched it and loved it. History, drama, love, politics. It had everything. Netflix recommended another movie to me about Queen Victoria. Then there was one about the Boleyn sisters, so I watched it too. Last week I went to the library for the first time since Baby Bear’s birth and decided to get a novel for myself (since I’m sitting so often to rock and/or nurse him). I saw a rather thick novel about the King Henry VIII and the Boleyn sisters. The librarian mentioned that, although it had some racy parts, it was one of her favorite novels. I’d say that’s pretty high praise from someone who works with books for a living so I checked it out.
A couple pages in and I was hooked.
There are not many things that I lack self control in but novel reading is one of them. Most of my housework was neglected as I devoured all 661 pages in four days. (Don’t worry, I did remember to feed my family and play with the kids but you don’t want to see my floors or laundry pile right now!) That’s in addition to numerous Wikipedia articles and other Tudor history websites. That naturally drifted into reading about the current British monarchy. I look at queens and princesses so differently as a mother than I did when I was a little girl. I’ll let you in on a 5 of my observations about royal mothers through the centuries:
- Royalty did not raise their babies. I couldn’t imagine not being able nurse my son and hold him and see him at will. Babies were handed off at a young age to wet nurses and nannies. Then sent away to school for much of their lives and usually only came back as teenagers, when they were ready to wed. Even much of the current royal family hires nannies. It is incredible to see the Duchess of Cambridge go against this trend and lean toward more of an attachment style of parenting.
- Girls didn’t matter. They were merely bargaining chips in the political game. The main purpose of a queen was to produce a male heir. Since I have 3 boys I can’t necessarily speak from experience, but I believe that mothers love their daughters just as much I love my sons. Aren’t you glad to live in a society that allows you to embrace your daughters as much as your sons?
- In the 1500s, a mother of noble blood had about a 2 month “laying in” period. They stayed in a dark and calm room for about a month before their expected delivery date and then a month after the birth and were waited on hand and foot. Sounds nice! I carried my first with no problem and could have been fine being pregnant for a while but, unfortunately, my second and third pregnancies were much tougher. It would been so nice to do nothing other than grow a baby that last month. I also completely support a “laying in” period after the baby is born. I don’t think the room needs to be dark but I do think that Mama should spend the first 40 or so days just focusing on her baby and her recovery. This is such a hard one to remember but, even with multiple children and no family around, you can make the decision to allow yourself this much-needed recovery and bonding time. Even if you have the perfect birth experience and a super mellow baby, remind yourself to take the time to just be a mom. It is such an important time in the mother-baby relationship and neglecting this time can cause so many problems when it comes to birth recovery, bonding, breastfeeding, sleep rhythms, and all the neurological and physical development that takes place in those early days.
- Babies were breastfed. By the mother for lower classes and a wet nurse for higher classes. There was no other way. No other option. It never occurred to generations of old that breastfeeding wouldn’t work. Before someone jumps down my throat on this topic, please remember that this is a fact, not an opinion. This is my opinion: the most common issue with breastfeeding relationships is not a supply issue or latch issue; it’s an expectation and lack of support issue. We have options that seem easier, so people take them. If we didn’t have those options, we wouldn’t be able to take them.
- Children were raised in the faith of their parents. Even if their parents weren’t directly involved in raising them, parental beliefs were taught to and encouraged in the child. I have read Facebook threads and blog posts where parents boast about giving their children the right to choose what they believe. Whether they have a personal faith or not, they are proud of the fact that they give their children the opportunity to learn about all different worldviews and then accept whichever their child chooses. I’m a pretty black and white thinker so the way that I look at this is if your faith is important to you, why wouldn’t you want to impress that importance upon your children? If your faith isn’t important enough for your to teach your children and hope that they make it their own, then why do you even bother having it in the first place? If you believe it’s true, then why shouldn’t your children be taught it as truth too? If you are a Christian (which most of my current readers are), is your relationship with and belief in Christ strong enough that you will teach your children there is only One Way?
I’m working my way through the British royal history and it’s incredible to see how it directly affects my life today. An example: King Henry VIII’s desire to have Anne Boleyn as his wife resulted in England’s separation from the Pope, which opened England up to an English Bible and the Protestant Reformation. No matter your personal beliefs, that is life-altering history.
Just for fun: Here is a site with portraits of mothers and their children from the 1500s.
I’d love to hear your thoughts: Is there a time period or a certain element of history that you look at differently in your current life season than you did previously?
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